mastering the walk of shame
(or for you optimists, your stride of pride guide )
Imagine this. It’s a picturesque Sunday morning. The birds are chirping, old people are on their morning walk and the scent of your favourite cooked breakfast is wafting through the flat. Life is good, except for the fact your head is pounding relentlessly, probably due to the mixture of Vodka Cruisers and pressies you took last night. You quickly realise you’re not snuggled up in your own bed, in fact, you’ve never seen this bedroom before, or the crusty human lying next to you.
What comes next is a core memory for many students across the country. The scrambling to find both your socks, the attempt to sneak out without being seen. The journey home is the most embarrassing part of a drunken hookup, but it doesn’t have to be. Here is everything YOU need to know to master the art of the walk of shame.
Disclaimer: A walk of shame isn’t shameful because you’re having casual sex. It’s shameful because the yo pros and seniors in your area get to see you at your absolute lowest. We’re talking crusty lips, smeared mascara, unzipped flies - the lot! And that is factually both funny and shameful.
Confidence
The most important thing you need to remember when you’re striding home on a beautiful Sunday morning is confidence. You got some last night, if anyone gives you the slightest of dirty looks, they are most likely jealous, sex deprived and frustrated.
Who cares if you hooked up with someone? Sex isn’t something to be ashamed of - embrace the post-sex glow! If your Uber asks what you’ve been up to, or if you are having a good day, be honest. Treat your Uber as a therapeutic experience.
Leaving with everything, and more
This is a tricky one. Locating your belongings is essential to completing a flawless walk of shame, unless you want to come back…
Checklist:
Both shoes.
Every item of clothing you entered with.
Food. Raiding the pantry is a good way to get some sustenance for the trip home.
Phone chargers, it's just good to have extras, ya know.
Leftover drinks, this is a given. You earned them.
As you can see, dignity was left off this checklist, that's just something you’ll have to live with.
The late exit
If you are so consumed with shame that someone you know might see you and catch on to the debauchery that went on last night, try the late exit. This technique works well when you are cordial with your hook-up. There is always that hope that if you begin your walk past noon, it will look like you’re out enjoying the new day. Onlookers will mistake your heels for Sunday-brunch heels, and your tangled hair will pass for a trendy topknot.
A flatmate to debrief with
Arguably the best part of any night out is the dusty morning debrief. It’s important that you have a person in your corner who won’t judge you for the utter filth you’re about to tell them about. This is a therapeutic time to talk about the successes, or failings of last night. To become a master of anything you must reflect and learn from your experiences, this is the perfect way to do so.
P.s, this must be done with food in hand. I personally recommend six McDonald’s hashbrowns.
Sneaking out without saying goodbye
Want to add an exhilarating rush to your hookup? Time to channel your inner James Bond and slither out of bed without making a noise. If you fail the mission you’ll be confronted with an awkward conversation where you will have to lie about the quality of sex you had last night. This mission also includes dodging any unknown flatmates. Do you choose to accept?
Walks of shame might feel uncomfortable while you’re doing them, but in reality no one gives a flying fuck about who you got under last night. It’s time we shake this silly stigma that has been wrongfully attached to casual consensual sex. To conclude, Massive Magazine has proposed a few new names for the “walk of shame”.
The victory lap, trek of triumph, morning cardio, stride of pride.