How to do a Yardie:
PHOTO: TWITTER
21st season is upon us, whether we like it or not. Your friends from high school are crawling out of the woodwork, practically gagging for a doughnut wall or some golden balloons. They’re so wet for those little balloons.
With the season, comes the drinking. 21sts are renown for two options of choice for the birthday child: 21 shots or a yardie. Quite frankly, 21 shots are hard to watch. Painful, some would say. Plus, it’s a much slower approach and thus lacks the celebratory cheer behind the effort.
Yardies are the backbone of a good 21st. There’s nothing quite like drinking 1.4 litres of beer in one go, surrounded by your friends and family. God bless.
Massive has compiled some tricks of the trade to help you on your way to the yardie hall of fame:
1. Be mindful of your beer choice. You’re sculling a shit ton of beer at once; this is not the time to get caught up in taste or nice labels. Cheap and cheerful is the way to go. Massive recommends Bavaria 8.6 Original Holland, which won first in place for our golden ratio investigation. $1.02 per 1 standard, what’s not to love? A keg is even better. Don’t pick a beer you actually like. When you’re throwing up in the bushes later, you don’t want to ruin forever the taste of a most beloved brew.
2. Pour your beer the night before. Preparation is key if you want to survive your yardie experience. Pre-pouring your beer will make it lukewarm and flat, perfect for a quick skull. Bubbles are your enemy!
3. Be wary of food. Although food does line your stomach and thus, will in theory make you less drunk, it also has an unfortunate habit of reappearing again in the bushes. Let’s face it, you’re probably going to spew. You’re drinking 1.4 litres of beer, for fucks sake. If you eat beforehand, pick something that will look nice coming back up. Perhaps soup? Stay away from the baked beans and spaghetti, this is a warning.
4. Have a friend turn the glass as you chug. For this, you need a friend you can trust. Do not trust the designer from Massive, he has a very sloppy twist to his approach. A small vortex helps the chugging experience. It also has the added bonus of being able to check out your friend’s wrist technique. Massive’s subeditor is almost an expert, she must help out with a lot of yardies.
5. Finally, make sure it’s a quickie. The thing is, no one wants to watch a slow drinker. Trust me, deepthroating a yard glass for 10 minutes is about as awkward as it sounds. Like sex, masturbation, anything good in this world, aim for three minutes or under.
Ultimately, doing a yardie for the first time is much like losing your virginity. Do it quickly, don’t worry about the mess or the look on your mum’s face. And a good friend always helps things along a bit. Happy 21st season.