Horoscopes - 28 March

Capricorn

Nothing like suppressing your emotions through alcohol, chocolate and Uber Eats. They warm you up inside more than your significant other ever could.  

Your coping mechanism of the week: Food rebound 

Aquarius

Call your parents back you twat 

Your coping mechanism of the week: compassion  

Pisces

Go back to your roots and do something childish and random. Idk, go climb a tree, do some finger painting, let that inner child out. 

Your coping mechanism of the week: being kiddy 

Aries

Be a yes man! Many great opportunities come from taking that dreaded leap of faith, take my hand and jump x 

Your coping mechanism of the week: balls 

Taurus

Drink a whole bottle of water before the two coffees you have each morning. It might help with the constant headache.

Your coping mechanism of the week: Wai

Gemini

Your sarcasm definitely hasn’t lost you all your friends, keep using it to deflect king! 

Your coping mechanism of the week: Maybe not sarcasm? 

Cancer

A 7-day isolation will RUIN your mental… wear a mask and continue to sanitise. 

Your coping mechanism of the week: two metres of distance  

Leo

If you find yourself stuck between and a rock and a hard place, just remember that whatever you decide will never be as bad as the people who decided to study law. 

Your coping mechanism of the week: hindsight 

Virgo

This week will be the unwanted Cherry Ripe from the box of favourites. Everyone fucking hates it. Keep your head up and push through to better days. 

Your coping mechanism of the week: Crunchie 

Libra

Dodging sick people at uni is a must. Don’t be mask-fished. Everyone is ugly underneath the mask. 

Your coping mechanism of the week: Willpower 

Scorpio

You know you had a mean weekend when you wake up still drunk, curled up on the floor around a road cone you got from who knows where.  

Your coping mechanism of the week: 2x panadol, blue v and a filthy pie  

Sagittarius

It’s time to take the plunge into that hip-hop career you’ve been considering. Your rap name is “lil” followed by the last thing you cried over. 

Your coping mechanism of the week: Straight bars