Horoscopes (vol. 19)

Aries: The theme for the week is GREY HAIRS and boy, are you rocking it. Don’t worry, time comes for all of us eventually.  

Taurus: The sexual tension between you and your co-worker is off the charts! God, just fuck in the break room already.  

Gemini: It’s okay to be sad. Just make sure you have a hot water bottle and a block of chocolate ready to go at all times.  

Cancer: Uh oh, I spy a pregnancy test! The results are in and fortune favours the bold.  

Leo: Take a week off from the piss, mate. It’s like, not so cute anymore. Everyone needs a break once in a while.  

Virgo: This week is your chance to finally talk to your secret library crush. They’re just waiting for you to make a move... 

Libra: “Fuck, it’s cold.” That’s basically all you’ll say for the whole week, just a heads up.  

Scorpio: What time is it? Time for a hoon, methinks.  

Sagittarius: Stop buying so much shit from Kmart, for fucks sake. No one needs that many socks.  

Capricorn: Time to switch things up in the bedroom. Make sure to do some gentle stretches first before you get in the groove (please)  

Aquarius: I don’t think your urine is meant to be that colour. Just saying...... 

Pisces: This week will be a headache, both literally and figuratively speaking. Pack some panadal and water at all times, TRUST me.