Horoscopes (vol 10)

Aries: You’ll discover a terrible secret, something you secretly suspected all this time. Yes, you might be gluten-free. It’s either bread or the excessive binge drinking that’s giving you the shits, so might as well cut out the bread.  

Taurus: If you’re still thinking about getting a tattoo, just get it. You won’t regret it, I pinky promise.  

Gemini: I see a funnel in your future. And a lot of vomit. Be proactive, avoid creamed corn.  

Cancer: You’re spending too much time on TikTok. Limit yourself to 20 minutes a night, then move on. Maybe to Instagram Explore?  

Leo: You’re looking good this week! Physically I mean, not emotionally, of course. You’re hot stuff but also a hot mess. Consider a therapist.  

Virgo: A close friend will betray you. Keep your ex on speed dial for when you need to vent about it. It’s not healthy, but that’s life, baby!  

Libra: Your phone data is about to run out. Text your parents for money now, rather than later.  

Scorpio: I see hot sex coming your way. Yes, bitch. Just please use a condom, and consider washing the sheets. I know it’s been a while.    

Sagittarius: Send in a snap to the Massive snapchat account. Someone will see it and think you’re really hot, trust me.  

Capricorn: Whatever is dragging you will get better this week. Look for new opportunities and new McDonald’s menu items.  

Aquarius: If you’re still moaning about dropping out of uni, just do it already. You don’t have to be a student to read Massive magazine x  

Pisces: Invest in good pillows and blankets and your perspective about something important will change. Or at the very least, you’ll be less cold and uncomfortable.