From Byo to By-Oh!

BYOs are a delight of the senses. A marvel to behold! Fuck, they’re practically a rite of passage for any young’un. Where else can you polish back a bottle of wine, some hot kai, and have a mean yarn with mates? Okay, well, sure, at a flat - but a BYO elevates the pressure of cooking and cleaning, leaving you with all the pleasures of a tangy little garlic naan. 

But with such power comes great responsibility. You have the traditions of your elders to respect, who forged the way forward, one glass of Cleanskin at a time. So how do you take your BYO to the next level? From BYO to BY-Oh! (“don’t stop, don’t stop”)? Well, consider trying these tricks of the trade. You can trust me; I’ve done enough BYOs in my time to graduate from a mild butter chicken to a medium. That’s how you know I’m legit. 

The Ol’ Switcheroo 

Ah, what a timeless classic. By swapping an empty bottle at your table for a full one in your bag, the Ol’ Switcheroo means you can drink longer, laugh louder. Maybe you don’t want to pay extra corkage! Maybe you’re stuck in Dunedin where you can only share one bottle between two people (this is 100% a thing and the absolute bane of my existence. Trust me, I would have paid for the extra corkage, but they just...won’t let you have more than three mere standards. Desperate times call for desperate measures.) Whatever the reason, this step requires a bit of sleight of hand and then you’re golden. Make sure to buy the same bottle of wine to make the swap. Waiters aren’t dumb, two different brands of white wine just ain’t gonna cut it. Also, preferably go with an opaque bottle, so then the liquid levels aren’t too obvious. Finally, you need a big bag to execute the swap and store the evidence. A backpack will do, or a handbag in a pinch. 

This tip is much better applied to big chains, where you can feel less bad about sneaking in a bottle. Maybe just leave a nice tip at the end, if you’re like me and you feel guilty about literally anything. 

Coining/Save the Queen 

Coining is a must-do at any BYO. Essentially, you should bring a small pile of coins with you, hidden away in the caverns of your tight jean pockets. Just 10 cent coins, mind you, we’re not made of money. The aim of the game is to drop a coin into your mate’s glass. If you manage this great feat, they have to scull the whole glass of wine. Why, you might ask? Well, the fucking Queen of England is on the coin! Dropped into wine, she’s suddenly drowning! You, as loyal patriot, must save Her Majesty through consuming the beverage and thus, releasing her from her watery prison. Once you’ve finished your glass, you can pick up the coin and, well, coin someone else in return. 

The trick to this game is to be sneaky and smooth. You don’t want to be too obvious about the whole thing, since you might get kicked out. Plus, you don’t want your mate to be on the defence with their glass. If you’re worried about being coined, just make sure to have quick reflexes or look after your glass. 

Chants 

Chants are an integral part of BYOS, the perfect mix of camaraderie and cheek. If you’ve coined your mate, and they’re being a bit fucking slow about the whole thing, it’s time to pull out the ultimate encouragement: a public singalong. It’s just like old sea-shanties, but better (are those still cool or was that just a weird two weeks?). 

We’ve listed our fave chants down below. Where we’ve put the name of our floppy-haired designer, Micah, use your mate’s names to help get the drinking a-going. 

“We like to drink with Micah, because Micah is our mate! And when we drink with Micah, he gets it down in 8...7...6...5..4...3...2...1!” 

“Here’s to Brother Micah, Brother Micah, Brother Micah. Here’s to Brother Micah who’s with us tonight. We love him, we hate him, we love to masturbate him! Here’s to Brother Micah who’s with us tonight.... Drink motherfucker, drink motherfucker, drink motherfucker! (If they’re still taking fucking forever) Why are we waiting, you must be masturbating!” 

“Here’s to fucking Micah, fucking Micah, fucking Micah! Here’s to fucking Micah, the best of us all! He eats it, he beats it, MY GOD HE MISTREATS IT! Here’s to fucking Micah who drinks like a bitch!” 

Fuck, Marry, Kill 

Need I say any more? A perfect little game to play over a steaming plate of curry. 

Unsolicited Speeches 

Speeches are the ultimate form of public tomfoolery. They’re socially acceptable, but only just, which makes the perfect melting point for a bit of mischief! What a hoot! 

Give your wine glass a clink, stand up, cough twice (for good measure) and begin. Start with a made-up dictionary definition of companionship, or launch right into “when I met [insert name here] they seemed like a right twat”. It could be honouring any fake occasion, such as a mate’s birthday, a wedding anniversary, a club triumph, whatever suits the mood! Go into some phoney history of your various friendships at the table, get more and more ridiculous as you go on. Sure, you might get some sceptical looks from other restaurant-goers but trust me, everyone will be too socially awkward to actually ask you to sit down. 

The Penis Game! 

You guys all know this. An absolute banger of a game. Just say penis louder and louder, until someone cops out. Never fails to be entertaining. 

Snapchat Massive Magazine 

What? We don’t make the rules. 

Obviously, as in anything in life, don’t be a dick. If you’re genuinely making guests or restaurant owners uncomfortable, then probably settle down and save it for the after party. But BYOs do have an infamous student legacy, and I’m sick of pretending otherwise. Go, be merry! Give your hot friends our love, from everyone at Massive.