Don’t let the fresher flu get you

You’re back from toga. You just spent the night bumpin’ and grindin’ with the most gorgeous person you’ve ever met. You got their number, shared a few drinks, even let them drink from your cup. You’re on cloud nine. 

But you don’t realise that the clock is already ticking. Your immune system was already weak from the exhausting move and adjustment period. You haven’t slept a full night since February 4th. You’ve been on the rark so often that your blood alcohol level is reading 100%.  

A few days pass, and that fine grinder you met has just hit you up. You walk to their dorm. They open the door with a skanky shirt on and piles of tissues on their bed.  

Uh oh. Is this the dreaded ‘Fresher Flu’ you’ve heard so much about? It’s a myth though, right? Surely you won’t get sick. You have a Berocca every couple days! Half an hour and some incredibly stuffy-nosed making out later, you return to your room and collapse, a sneeze leaving your nose as you do. 

But you’re not sick. 

Your throat’s just sore from the joint. 

The joint you shared with 15 other freshers... 

How I survived 

It wasn’t easy, it was damn near the hardest thing I ever did. But I did it, and it worked. 

My name is Aiden Wilson, and I managed to avoid the fresher flu. This is my story...  

Wasn’t there.  

Literally, that’s it. I was not around for it. While everyone else was coughing and spluttering after an intense week of drinking, toga, and macking each other’s faces off, I was avoiding the fresher flu in the best possible way: off my face on morphine, playing BioShock, and watching the Diary of a Wimpy Kid trilogy… from the comfort and safety of a Wellington hospital bed. 

Ya boy had been on a hike with some fellow freshers and decided to send it down a hill. Well, more like a cliff. I fall, manage to land but can’t stop running and am stopped by a tree branch that has grown over the path I find myself careening down. Four weeks, one pancreas split into two, a shit-tonne of depression money spent, and a whole ass two hours of keyhole surgery later, here I am. 

But I didn’t get the fresher flu. I’m just built different. 

What I did get, however, was a vivid picture of the aftermath. All social media posts and second-hand accounts made it clear: the combination of excessive drinking, homesickness, and lack of sleep did its number on the lot of them. In my scientific opinion, it only takes one bugger coughing in your vicinity for the fresher flu to get its claws in you and everyone you love. 

A Song of Snot and Phlegm: A brief history  

Historians believe the fresher flu began in 1890, when a Business major named Henry Tiberius MacTavish drank mead from the cup of a nobleman. The next day he was the sickest he had ever been, exclaiming “this is the FRESHEST flu I have EVER had!” 

Henry Tiberius MacTavish was pronounced dead three days later. Not due to the flu. He was shot after having an affair with a local tavern keep and getting caught by her husband. 

I swear I’m not making this up. 

According to Seth Rankin, founder of the London Doctor’s Clinic, “The exposure to germs and viruses at university, combined with a terrible hangover from that 90s foam party, will push your immune system to its limit.” 

I will not spend this year’s run of Massive reminiscing over the pandemic. I will not spend this year’s run of Massive reminiscing over the pandemic. I will not spend this year's run of Mass– oh, hi! You caught me NOT reminiscing over the pandemic. While we’re on the subject, though, I think it’s fair to say this was the fresher flu to end all flus. Those of you who were stuck in the halls during this time (shout out to Kāinga Rua and Rotary Courts, y'all did beautifully) had it hard. For the ones who got sent home as soon as the first day of the rest of their lives was over, it was rough.  

Missing out on all the new stuff due to illness sucks. It sucks big time. Here, I’ve planned some helpful O-Week activities should you find yourself sick... Or just sick of people.  

• Activity one: study. 

• Activity two: I’m kidding. Watch Netflix, play videogames, and order Uber Eats. Your mates will thank you later.  

Consider this all a cautionary tale. A bit of advice on how to start your year off the right way. Because, trust me, Sarah from the Cube isn’t going to call you back when they’re coughing up a lung after a night of - let’s be honest - fairly mediocre intercourse. 

My genuine advice: If you start feeling sick, stay the fuck home. Don’t be a hero by trying to attend events when you’re not feeling up to it, and don’t be a dick by getting everyone else around you sick when you know full well that you’re not doing too hot yourself.  

With that outta the way; enjoy the parties, booze, and obnoxiously loud EDM. And... don’t let the fresher flu get you.