Feeling Like Shit? Get a Fish

Finding and living in a rental can be a bit of a nightmare, you can’t put pins in your walls, or feel safe in the knowledge that your rent won’t rise exponentially after a year. On top of that, the likelihood of finding a place that will allow you to house a furry friend is highly unlikely. However, most landlords are pretty chill with the idea of a fish tank so let’s start with explaining why you should consider setting up a small-scale Kelly Tarlton’s. 

1. A bonding experience for your flat. 

If your flatmates are feuding over dishes not done or your boyfriend staying over for weeks on end, maybe a fishy friend would be a nice way to break the tension. Perhaps a simple goldfish with the googly eyes which you could all have a hand in naming would work. Just don’t make the name something boring like ‘Goldie’ or ‘Sushi’. Oh, and make sure you strike up a pre-nup with your flat about who gets custody of your scaly friend when the flat inevitably breaks up. 

2. Learn a sense of responsibility. 

Even though fish are creatures who require high levels of care and attention, you can’t deny that they’re significantly lower maintenance than a cat or dog. You don’t have to toilet train them or pick up their shit, they’ll happily swim around in it until the next scheduled tank cleaning. Getting into the routine of after another living creature will prepare you for when you have your own place and you’re allowed to get a cat or a dog, in like 30 years when you can afford a deposit. 

3. It looks fucking cool. 

Listen, the centrefolds of Massive are cool, but not quite as cool as an angel fish or an axolotl swimming around in a tank next to your TV. You can deck that shit out with ornaments and theme it however you like. Dinosaur theme, 420-themed, whatever your heart desires. 

Now that you’ve been convinced, it’s time to break down what you’ll need to know before you bring some your new friend. 

Make sure you have a big enough tank to house your fish. 

Gone are the days that you can bring home three goldfish in a plastic bag and put them in a bowl that you never clean. People have kind of woken up to the idea that fish are living things and not something to dump and neglect until they die an early death. Goldfish have a reputation for being low maintenance fish, because they live in cold water. The truth is though, they’re needy little bitches. Goldfish can actually live for up to 20 years if treated right. They can grow up to 30cm long and need at least 50L of water each to be happy and healthy. Essentially, you need a huge tank just to house one of those bad boys. Your best option is either go for little cold-water fish or invest in a water heater so you can get some cool tropical dudes. Talk to your local pet store about what the best option for you is. 

Cycle your tank. 

Pet stores are pretty notorious for not having great ethics when it comes to animal care. Luckily, most of them have seen the error of their ways and stopped selling dogs and cats, as well as ensuring that owners are prepared to bring home an animal from their stores. The process of getting a fish is actually pretty lengthy. Once you’ve got your tank and your ornaments sorted, you’ll need to add supplements to make sure the water from your tap isn’t going to immediately kill your new fish. After bringing your tank home, add the supplements as the instructions state. After a week or two, you can bring in a sample of your tank water back to the pet store and they’ll test it. Once the water tests bring back a bacteria level which is safe for your fish, you’ll be able to choose some to take home. The cycling process can take up to six weeks, but it’s the most ethical choice, and also will help you know that you want to be a committed fish owner. 

Look after them as if they were your own flesh and blood. 

These fish are your babies now, you’ve got to make sure they’re fed properly, not killing each other, or being killed by your filthy tap water. Clean their tank regularly so they’re not drowning in their own poo and keep your drunk friends away from the tank when you have flat drinks. Do not let anyone pour an Export Gold into that tank, guard it or hide it whenever your unruly acquaintances are around. 

Basically, we’re all going to die one day, you might as well live life in the company of an ethically sourced tropical fish.