Beat your meat… cravings

The thought of replacing meat with a plant-based meat alternative used to make me cringe, especially the prices... $8.50 for four burger paddies? Fuck me, does Jesus come with it?! I still remember the cardboard-seasoned flavour of my first vegan burger from 2016. But plant-based cooking and meat options at supermarkets have progressed over the last few years as Greta Thunberg reminds us about our climate crisis, and the call to think about our dairy and meat consumption rightfully rages the farmers across the globe. 

I’m no vegan, but as a journalist, I’m naturally curious as to how to make plant-based alternatives and what can be a cheaper way to fill my stomach and nutritional needs. So here are a mix of recipes and reviews of some plant-based meats – because we don’t all need a meaty sausage in our lives to fulfill us ;)

You’ll notice that there was no review of sausages here, and that’s because I haven’t found one that doesn’t still remind me of the 2016 cardboard meat-free alternatives. After all, if we need a good sausage, we will go get a good sausage! Go beat your meat and experiment with these recipes if you feel so compelled to. Enjoy! 

Jackfruit BBQ “Pulled Pork”

First up, we have the classic jackfruit BBQ “pulled pork” 

(WARNING: One search on Pinterest results in a jackfruit dominated feed that spreads like genital herpes.) 

Ingredients: 

1 can of jackfruit (Nature’s Charm is my go-to for value) 

2 tbsp brown sugar 

1 tsp paprika 

1 tsp garlic powder (or crushed garlic) 

A dash of salt n pepper 

¾ of a cup of BBQ sauce (I opt for Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce cuz it’s vegan but whatever floats ya goat) 

Instructions: 

Drain the liquid from the jackfruit can and chop the stiff parts off the chunks. Break the jackfruit up and put it in a bowl. Add all the other ingredients, mix them all together and heat it up on the stove or in the microwave. 

Thoughts: 

Fucking delicious. Chewy, tender, a little savoury bite. The texture can be a bit unusual, and it’s definitely messy to make. Best to close your eyes and enjoy. 3.5-stars.

Buffalo “Chicken” Wings

Ingredients: 

1 cauliflower head 

1 cup of flour 

1 cup of your fave plant milk 

1 tsp garlic powder (or crushed garlic) 

A generous dash of paprika 

A generous dash of onion powder 

A dash of salt 

Sour cream, or aioli, or mayo, or whatever sauce you like 

OPTIONAL: 1 tsp of chili powder 

Instructions: 

Slap your oven onto fan bake at 230°C to preheat. In a large bowl, combine all the dry ingredients and then mix in the plant milk until you have a nice battery consistency. Cut off the cauliflower florets, dip them in the batter, and place them on a baking tray lined with baking paper for the oven. Bake them for about 20 mins, flip them over after 10 mins so they evenly get baked. Serve them on a plate with your chosen sauce(s) and Bob’s your uncle. 

Thoughts: 

Eh, these taste better when I order them at restaurants tbh. Oh, if you’re not much of a spice-gal like myself, don’t bother… Force-eating these at a restaurant because you thought you were tough enough to not end up in a blubbery mess, makes you look like a weak bitch – especially when there aren’t any napkins, and your boogers dribble down your chin and neck… 3-stars.

Holy fuckballs, these are good with T-sauce and is another great burrito filler. Also good in just about any meal you’d normally chuck chicken in. 

Tofu Nuggets

Ingredients: 

300g of plain firm tofu 

4 tbsp of corn flour 

Cooking oil (of your choice)

Instructions: 

Chop up your firm tofu into bite-sized cubes and put it into a container. Add the corn flour, put on the lid and then lightly shake until all the cubes are covered in corn flour – if the cubes aren’t all covered, add in some more corn flour and shake again until all the cubes are covered. Cover the bottom of your pan in your desired cooking oil and heat it up on high. Toss in your corn flour-coated tofu cubes and shallow fry the bastards till they’re golden. Finally, serve how you’d like, with what you like. 

Thoughts: 

These are bloody great in a curry. Honestly just slaps hard and does not stop until my arse is red. They’re golden morsels and I will never visit McDonald’s again. Hamburglar who? 4.5-stars

Quorn Meat-free “Mince”

Or as I like to call it “Fince” (fake mince). Tbh, all these store-brought meat alternatives taste like ass on their own. But this shit is good when cooked with the right ingredients. It’s super nutritious and definitely hold the same texture as regular mince. I cook this up in a pan and add tomato pasta-sauce, a brown onion, and a can of chili beans. This makes heaps of filling that can just about go with anything – I like to have it in burritos. It also lasts for at least four meals which is why I gave this a hearty 4-stars. It doesn’t deserve a perfect 5 because I wouldn’t eat it on its own. Ew. 4-stars.

Leanne’s Kitchen Dumplings Vegetarian-Vegan

Why they feel the need to put both “vegetarian” and “vegan” in the title doesn’t make much sense to me, but I can put that negativity aside. I know this isn’t exactly mean, but I tell you what, Leanne knows how to make a fucking good vegan dumpling – it’s ridiculous. In fact, I don’t know what’s better about these – the taste or the chill af price tag of $4 for a pack of 15 dumps… I think Leanne is a student, or at least she knows what we need and want. Even her non-vegan dumps are just outstanding. I chuck these in a pot to boil and then add them to an original flavoured mi-goreng pack (which are also vegan). Outrageous work, Leanne. 5-stars.

Sunfed Boar-free Bacon 

Look, I’m yet to find a bacon-free alternative that I genuinely like. I work with what I can afford at the time. This is a bit pricey but it’s not all that bad. I feel like this is the kind of thing that my review won’t make much of a difference to because in general, I’m not a bacon lover – don’t hate me. However, my mum cooked this up with some eggs for me a while back and I did enjoy this in my mouth with the egg and t-sauce. Give it a go if you’re feeling bougie. 3.5-stars.

Bean Supreme Vege Burger range

They get my approval because they are damn good in a burger, but they aren’t very moist. The kumara one is my fave, but I do find myself feeling like I’m chewing chickpeas in my mouth unless I add a fuck-tone of sauce. Still damn yummo! I’ll give them 3-stars because they’re a nice meat-patty alternative so long as you have a generous dollop of sauce in the bun. 3-stars.