Basic Witch

Illustration by Eden Laing

Palmerston North escapades  

 

A humble review brought to you by a local Witch-about-Wellington. Reviewing the places and things that will help you develop your pagan practices, revel in your arcane knowledge, and ascend to your highest self. This week, this witch-about-Wellington has become a witch-about-the-lower-North-Island, as I’ve spent some time in Palmerston North.  

 

We’ve all been there— one moment you’re ingesting a normal number of fungi, and the next you’re suddenly transported over a hundred kilometres away from the dank forest floor where you were peacefully having your picnic. What’s a witch to do?  

This week, after a particularly hearty batch of Coprinus Comatus, I found myself at the Massey Manawatū campus. Sure, being magically transported by forces beyond your control or comprehension is cheaper than an air fare, but the hangover is just awful. I decided to make the best of the situation and review a few local spots before I managed to break into the supply closet in the science tower and steal a mop to make it home. 

 

The Warehouse Palmerston North 

5 stars 

I had barely been here 5 minutes when the portal to the underworld opened in the bedding and towels section. Such a pleasant surprise and super convenient, as the Infernal Judge Rhadamanthus, all-seeing judgement pronouncer of the recently deceased, dweller of the Elysian Fields, right-hand to Cronus, knew the combination to the supply closet in the science tower!   

 

The Manawatu River 

3 stars 

Ah, the mighty lifeblood of Palmerston North. Resplendent with the early spring’s lush greens, budding flowers, and abandoned shopping carts. I’m sure for most people this is a non-issue, but unfortunately for me, witches can’t cross running water with magic. My mop sputtered and fell out of the sky, and I had to go across the bridge on foot. Mildly inconvenient, but a nice enough view. 

If you visit the water nymphs here, take note that they smoke Chesterfield Greens, NOT B&H Reds like the nymphs at the Hutt River. Don’t make my mistake! 

 

The Lido Aquatic Centre 

2 stars 

I feel like I was being polite, keeping my blood-letting ritual relatively well contained in the kiddy pool, but I still got kicked out. A sober reminder that, as progressive as we like to think we are as a society, anti-witch bias is still all around us.  

Tui Lou Christie

Catch me in the Aro Valley op shop forming psychic links with the dolls, or at Frank Kitts Park communing with the seagulls, or at Third Eye on Cuba street, shoplifting.

Previous
Previous

Vet Students: Untucked! 

Next
Next

Track Superstar: A Tail of Chases