Basic Witch

Illustration by Eden Laing

Palmerston North escapades  

A humble review brought to you by a local Witch-about-Wellington. Reviewing the places and things that will help you develop your pagan practices, revel in your arcane knowledge, and ascend to your highest self. This week, this witch-about-Wellington has become a witch-about-the-lower-North-Island, as I’ve spent some time in Palmerston North.  

We’ve all been there— one moment you’re ingesting a normal number of fungi, and the next you’re suddenly transported over a hundred kilometres away from the dank forest floor where you were peacefully having your picnic. What’s a witch to do?  

This week, after a particularly hearty batch of Coprinus Comatus, I found myself at the Massey Manawatū campus. Sure, being magically transported by forces beyond your control or comprehension is cheaper than an air fare, but the hangover is just awful. I decided to make the best of the situation and review a few local spots before I managed to break into the supply closet in the science tower and steal a mop to make it home. 

The Warehouse Palmerston North 

5 stars 

I had barely been here 5 minutes when the portal to the underworld opened in the bedding and towels section. Such a pleasant surprise and super convenient, as the Infernal Judge Rhadamanthus, all-seeing judgement pronouncer of the recently deceased, dweller of the Elysian Fields, right-hand to Cronus, knew the combination to the supply closet in the science tower!   

The Manawatu River 

3 stars 

Ah, the mighty lifeblood of Palmerston North. Resplendent with the early spring’s lush greens, budding flowers, and abandoned shopping carts. I’m sure for most people this is a non-issue, but unfortunately for me, witches can’t cross running water with magic. My mop sputtered and fell out of the sky, and I had to go across the bridge on foot. Mildly inconvenient, but a nice enough view. 

If you visit the water nymphs here, take note that they smoke Chesterfield Greens, NOT B&H Reds like the nymphs at the Hutt River. Don’t make my mistake! 

The Lido Aquatic Centre 

2 stars 

I feel like I was being polite, keeping my blood-letting ritual relatively well contained in the kiddy pool, but I still got kicked out. A sober reminder that, as progressive as we like to think we are as a society, anti-witch bias is still all around us.