Are Jacinda and David Seymour secretly dating? What’s up with the moose in Fiordland? NZ’s best (and worst) conspiracy theories.
The United States of America, World Capital of Fucked, is infested with so many conspiracy theories it can be hard to keep up. QAnon, an anonymous online profile, created this whole story that the United States Democrats are cannibalistic and satanic pedophiles running a child sex ring from the back of a pizza shop (amongst other things). QAnon gained so much traction in 2020 that it has become almost mainstream in the Republican Party. A shared alternative truth that makes them feel better about old mate Donald getting voted out of office. Beautiful.
New Zealand has an underbelly of wild conspiracy theories too, from the All Blacks being poisoned in the 1995 Rugby World Cup to the elusive Fiordland moose.
The power behind conspiracy theories is the fact that they can, actually, turn out to be true, such as the CIA’s Project MKUltra (Google it). While we don’t believe over here that the Green Party is running a sex ring or anything like that, we do have a tendency to buy into misinformation, propaganda, or just good old gossip. So, let’s explore a few of New Zealand’s conspiracy theories. I’ll leave it up to you to decide your own truth. Nothing is real anyway, right?
All Blacks Intentionally Poisoned at the 1995 World Cup
The date is Thursday 22 June, two days before the 1995 Rugby World Cup final between New Zealand and South Africa, when many of the team become debilitated from sudden onset of diarrhoea and vomiting, presumably from food poisoning. They were mostly recovered by the day of the final but lost 15-12 to South Africa. The All Blacks’ illness wasn’t revealed until after the final, but it immediately became controversial, with theories coming out that the boys were deliberately poisoned by betting syndicates to ensure South Africa’s win. All sorts of theories started to come out, some even managing to connect Nelson Mandela to the mind behind it. In 2018, one of the security details for the All Blacks, Rory Steyn, went on a South African sports talk show where he claimed the illness was the result of intentional poisoning by the betting syndicates. With the odds in New Zealand’s favour, ensuring South Africa’s win would have been a gold mine.
The story goes that a waitress by the name of Suzie was lingering around the hotel during the All Blacks’ stay but, coincidentally, wasn’t seen at the hotel after the ‘poisoning’. Waiting on the team’s private dining arrangements, Suzie allegedly infiltrated them via the water supply and then mysteriously disappeared. Laurie Mains, All Blacks coach during the World Cup, went as far as hiring a private investigator to determine if there was anything sinister behind the bug. Little evidence as ever been found to back up Steyn’s claims or Mains’ suspicions, but Suzie has never been seen again … must be living it up it a boujee villa on an island with all the money she made from poisoning the All Blacks! Good for her, they have enough money.
This theory is pretty widely believed in New Zealand, and I’ve got to admit, it’s not the most far-fetched one we’ll hear today. A 2021 survey by NewstalkZB (lol) revealed that 32% of those surveyed believed the All Blacks were deliberately poisoned, with 46% unsure. For all I know, Suzie’s water supply could have been the reason the ABs lost. However, in New Zealand we tend to put the All Blacks on a pedestal, believing that they are the best in the world (they are). So, when they lose, especially when Jonah Lomu has been having one of the best performances in history, it’s easier us to believe that some other force was responsible rather than accepting that South Africa maybe deserved the win.
The Government is Using Fluoride to Control Our Minds
What is it with people drugging the water supply? Water fluoridation controversy has been around for some 80 years, even being linked to a communist revolution during the Cold War. Some guy called Ian wrote a book in Australia in the late 80s/early 90s where he claimed repeated doses of tiny amounts of fluoride will reduce your power to resist domination by slowly poisoning that part of your brain, in turn making you submissive. If you want a root just ask, lol.
New Zealand was the second country in the world to fluoridate water, beginning with ‘the Hastings Experiment’ in 1953. If the Government was going to experiment on citizens, of course they’d pick Hastings. The Hastings Experiment was a 10-year plan created by the Department of Health in what they considered the only counter to “the inability of our people” to practice “dental health”. Umm.... rude.
According to the Government, all they’re doing is adding just a little bit more fluoride to get its presence at the scientifically optimal levels to prevent tooth decay. We already have fluoride in the water, it just needs a wee kick. During the Hastings Experiment, the Government’s ethics were called into question – not due to the mind control, more so the fact that they were putting a chemical in the water without the consent or desire of the public. Somewhere along the way, the theory that the Government was using fluoride as a mind controlling weapon against its citizens was born, and just under 10% of New Zealanders surveyed believe that to be the case today. Honestly guys, Google ‘fluoride mind control’ and take a really deep dive. There’s a rumour online saying that fluoride is what the Nazis used to control people in Germany. It’s pretty fucking scary.
So, I guess the question is, can fluoride be used as a vehicle of mind control? I mean, I DO pay taxes, but I break the law every weekend taking molly so hard to tell if their plan worked or not. As much as I would love to have some naturally occurring mind control substance to exist so that I could finally get boys to talk to me, I just don’t think it’s fluoride in the water. Sorry babes. Wait... maybe the Government’s mind control works so well that I’ve been made to write an article persuading you all that we’re not being mind controlled. Fucking hell, good luck getting out of this cycle.
David Seymour and Jacinda Ardern are Having a Secret Love Affair
I’m not even sure if this is a conspiracy theory or just plain fact. All you need to do is go down to Parliament during the week for Question Time to see the palpable sexual tension between those two as they argue about the Government’s newest policy. I’m a slut for a good enemy to lover trope. AND in December last year David said that she was a “superb front of house leader”. I mean... Keep it in your pants, Dave.
When Clarke is away on those long, long fishing trips, Jacinda can feel lonely. And who better to comfort her than the King of Snapchat himself? David is a man who dances, bakes and can build cars from scratch. It’s only natural that Jacinda would soon find herself cha-cha-sliding into his DMs.
Sneaky Sexy Moose Hiding in Fiordland
GUYS! This is literally the best one yet. I am so convinced this is true I would sacrifice my first born to the cause. So, in the early 1900s Prime Minister Sir Joseph Ward asked Canada if they could please give New Zealand some of their moose so he could realise his dream of making New Zealand the biggest and baddest game reserve (he wanted to hunt moose lol). Canada said yes, and we soon welcomed around 10 moose to the Fiordland bush.
But then, just as quickly as they arrived, they disappeared. Obviously, the game reserve thing never really worked out for old mate Joe, and the elusive nature of the moose soon made them become something of an urban myth. The last verified sighting of Fiordland moose was some 40 years after their arrival, in the 1950s when ‘moose hunter’ Max Curtis captured an image clear as day. Since then, sightings have been unverifiable, mostly due to them being men in pubs boasting their own moose hunting tales.
In 1995, Ken Tustin captured what appears to be a Fiordland moose on a timelapse camera he’d sent up in the region. Apparently, it wasn’t good enough to convince people it was legit. I saw the picture, looks legit to me. Don’t worry, Kenny, I believe you. Sadly, the only evidence we’ve got these days is tree branches and hoof prints, from as late as 2018. On the plus side, there are now more modern automatic cameras set up in the area so I’m crossing my fingers and keeping the faith alive!
Like any good conspiracy theorist, I’m going to decide that Fiordland moose exist and that is my truth. Go on experts, try to convince me otherwise. You won’t.
Go forth, young explorers and conspirers. Charge your devices and go down some rabbit hole you can never get out of. Live while you’re young! Buy a ticket to Fiordland and find some moose! Drink some fluoride! Slide into David Seymour’s DMs! As I said before, live your truth babes!