An Ode to My Cheesy Friend, LeSnak

“Alas, poor LeSnak! I knew him…” – William Shakespeare’s Hamlet, 1602

Illustrated by Kimi Moana (she/her)

I do not remember where I was when I found out, but I remember the emotions. The flurry of despair, confusion, anger. Once the news had been given to me, I was distraught. I still have not forgiven my father for uttering those words… those terrible, terrible words…

“What the fuck? They’re discontinuing LeSnak… anyway so-”

For him, it was a mere passing comment. An item of interest which brushed across his laptop screen, then vanished as quickly as it came. For me, it was far more.

Here I was thinking the worst thing to happen to me during the uni break would be getting Covid-19.

I wish it was.

Having “the Rona” was nothing, I repeat NADA, ZILCH, ZERO, compared to the gut punch that was LeSnak’s discontinuation announcement.

I’ve tried its competitors, its imitators. None compared to the original. Once you’ve tasted the sweet cheesy goodness, the crispity snap of the crackers, it’s hard to have anything else.

Every rival cheese and crackers I’ve had since that announcement has left me feeling bittersweet. Sure, fine, they taste decent enough, but they remind me so much of what I had.

It’s still so hard to believe that the time I spent with LeSnak has come to an end.

Never again will I tuck into a box of French Onion, or the ever-elusive Cheese and Bacon. Fuck I’d even go for that weirdo sounding Pizza flavour right now.

“But Aiden,” you cry, “You’re pretty much confirmed to be lactose intolerant! LeSnak makes you into a gas giant!”

But, dear reader, that’s what made it so much fun. The forbidden nature of our love, the absolute toxicity of our relationship, knowing that LeSnak would hurt me… I’ll… I’ll… I’m sorry. I must move on from this line of thinking.

I have dried my tears and stopped rambling about LeSnak and am now ready for serious discussion regarding this topic.

Aiden Wilson and The Heat Death of Childhood Snacks

Do you remember Tiny Teddys? Specifically, the Tiny Teddys that, much like LeSnak, came in a plastic container topped with foil, housing cookies and a dipping sauce. In fact, they were exactly like a dessert variant of LeSnak. What the hell happened to those?

These little fuckers!

Having those in my lunchbox meant that, as Ice Cube would say, “It was a good day.”

Or how about the Tropical Slushie ice block, with the jelly candy in the bottom you were meant to mix in but nearly always ate before eating the ice cream itself? Or how about the Wonka chocolates shaped like hats? Those were awful, but the novelty was fun!

Slowly but surely these childhood favourites have gone. With my last bastion of hope, LeSnak was finally put out to pasture in the last month. This event has caused me to conclude that growing up sucks. Whether it be shows, books, games, food, heck even restaurants, the stuff we loved as kids has been quietly getting shelved for years now. The harsh reality of growing up is we gotta say goodbye to a lot of this stuff.

But why LeSnak??

I doubt I’m the only student who at one time lived off that stuff. Easy to chow on when studying, good value in a larger box. And the convenience of it all, oh my! Trying to find a suitable replacement for it has been underwhelming to say the least. How DARE they not consult me before getting rid of it! How. Dare. They.

Aging is a bitch.

Bet you thought this was just a shitpost about LeSnak, huh?

Being a student in the current word climate, unrest, pandemics, and random bouts of political turmoil is fucking stressful. Stuff like this has been going on for years, but we just didn’t notice because we were all too young to understand or even care.

I long for the ignorance of being a kid again, and I bet many of you reading this do, too.

Having something like LeSnak was an awesome way to relive a simple childhood memory. Unchanged for years and plastic as all hell, eating one took me back to struggling through English homework on a Wednesday night when I was eight. Not the greatest memory, but still one with a lot less stress. Getting older and having to deal with the whole “responsible adult” schtick is a tough deal, but the small comforts from our childhoods made it a little easier to stomach. It might sound ridiculous but saying goodbye to childhood favourite foods is weird as hell. Kinda just makes you realise that times are changing, things are moving on. Ultimately, it’s for the best. Those things aren’t healthy and are probably produced in a really unethical manner, plus plastic waste and yada yada yada.

Remember when Club Penguin shut down? It’s like that. Saying ‘see ya’ to a tonne of memories and really fond moments from our youth that we will NEVER get back. Getting older sucks and we need to address that more.

Call this an overly cynical and dramatic look at what’s really just cheese and crackers getting shelved, but it’s still a sign that we’re moving on in the world and not slowing down or going back to being kids any time soon.

Enough of the existential dread bullshit.

GoNutz make a LeSnakalike that’s pretty good.

Go eat that.