Am I Gay?

Instead of my usual movie column, this week I'm taking a trip back in time to the glorious world of Am I Gay? Quizzes.

I wanted to find out definitively, numerically and officially how gay I am. I am then going to get the answer tattooed on me forever, so I can never get any more or less gay as time passes.

The first result when I searched 'Am I gay?' was from WikiHow, known for its simple to follow instructions on basic human tasks.

I sped through this quiz, because the answers were easy. The result? 'You're probably gay.' I was upset I didn't get a percentage of gay, but for the sake of argument, let's translate those words into a score of 80 per cent gay.

The next one called it's self 'The Gay Test', and promised a numerical value. I was excited and jumped straight in. A lot of the questions were deeply sexual which threw me off my game a bit. The result? 98 per cent gay! This one brought my average gay score up hugely and I was stoked.

For the final gay test, I took one allegedly based on the Kinsey Scale. This one is based on a value of 0-6. I managed to score a 5. I'm bad at math but I'm fairly sure this translates to around 83 per cent gay.

According to my very complicated mathematical equation, I am officially 87 per cent gay. If we go off the Massey Grade scale, this means I have earned an A in gayness. Which is higher than my actual academic average when I was at uni.

So do I reccomend taking Am I Gay quizzes? No. Quizzes don't tell you if you're gay or not. You are actually randomly assigned a fictional YA book character to fall in love with which determines your sexuality for life, obviously.