A Definitive Ranking of the Instant Meals I ate in my Childhood
Illustrations by Marie Bailey
When it comes to preparing for dinner time in a house with three hungry kids, my mum had a few different tricks up her sleeve. My least favourite of all time was the slow cooker, I’d come home from school and see it on the bench and be filled with an indescribable rage. It was always full of minestrone soup or stew, the stuff of nightmares. Then of course there was the classic hot roast chicken, bread rolls and coleslaw deal. This was generally a good night for me and my brother, but my sister was a vegetarian from a young age. Sucks to be her, I guess.
The holy grail of lazy dinners for me was when we’d be left to fend for ourselves as we got a bit older. Instant meals were the light of my young life, making a mess of the microwave, feeling like I was on MasterChef when I seasoned the packets of pasta or added cheese all by myself.
So, here is a ranking of some iconic instant meals from my childhood, full of nostalgia and preservatives.
6. Coming in at number six is Cup a Soup. These bad boys would mostly be used as an after-school snack. They taste good but they just leave you wanting more. To make it a substantial meal you’ve got to pair it with some cheese on toast, actually lots of cheese on toast.
5. Next up is Cinderella Instant Mash Potato. This fluffy little bag of goodness used to make my evenings when it was pulled out. Mum would always talk about how naughty it was to have instant instead of homemade but I didn’t give a single fuck! I’d get a whole bowl of that shit and just go to town. The only downside was that it required the use of the stove, which at 10 years old I just didn’t have time for. I had Doodle Jump to play and a Temple Run high score to beat.
4. Leaning Tower’s microwave pizzas are the most hilarious piece of cuisine to me. Whose idea was it to make a tiny version of a good food and then make it even worse by turning it into a soggy mess in the microwave? They tasted good most of the time but that shit would come out burning hot with the texture of a damp piece of bread. It’s not lower on the list because it lives up to its ‘instant’ title.
3. San Remo single snack pasta packets have a deeply special place in my heart. They took way too long for something that called itself instant, and made an absolute mess of the microwave. You had to get the microwave time and the milk/butter ratio just right to make it taste good. When you got the steps right though MY GOD this stuff absolutely banged. I’d make up a bowl of that and just stare at the TV watching Cartoon Network. I’ll confess I still have these in my pantry, they’re only like a dollar at Countdown which fits my budget perfectly.
2. Indomie Mi Goreng has a special place in my student heart. I always felt so adventurous as a kid when I would put a little bit of the chili sauce in my bowl. I was cultured, my pallet was diverse and I was on my way to being a professional chef. These always beat out Maggi chicken or beef flavour for me. This is another one that still resides in my pantry, chuck a fried egg on that motherfucker and you’re set. Although the role as an after-school snack has transformed into a drunken indulgence, they’ll always mean everything to me.
1. Wattie’s frozen mac and cheese is still one of my favourite things on this earth. Our freezer would often be filled with Wattie’s microwave meals but this one gets the top spot in my eyes. It truly is instant, and it gets bonus points that you can eat it straight out of the packet, no bowl required. My brother and I would often battle over who got the last box in the freezer, and for good reason. Yes, these take a little longer to heat up than a Cup a Soup or a microwave pizza, but it was always worth the wait. No stirring, no stove and no regrets when you buy this gorgeous little box of carbs and dairy.
