OPINION: Albany’s chicken wing statue is sexy and I don’t care who knows it
Listen up. There’s been a lot of conversation about that infamous statue, like: is it art? (Idk, maybe?) Is it worth its $90,000 price tag? (Yeah, definitely not). But no one is talking about the single most important aspect of the piece: it’s so fucking sexy.
Don’t kink shame me, this is definitely not a me issue. This is a Massey University issue, toying with us in their coy, slutty ways. They know what they’re doing, those sick fucks.
For those who are out of the loop, the statue was installed in 2014 to commemorate the 50th anniversary of Massey. It’s meant to pay homage to the agricultural background of Massey, as well as the land of the campus, which was previously a site of chicken farming. Oh, and it’s by artist Reuben Paterson. Checks out, right? But let’s dig a little deeper….
Where do I even begin? Let’s start with the shape. The wing resembles a muscled torso, with a flirtatious little leg pop going on. It’s deliberately provocative, spread-eagle on the patio. There’s something about the angle that’s fondly reminiscent of Margot Robbie’s iconic scene in The Wolf of Wall Street. You know which one. I feel like the chicken wing is wearing 4-inch heels and telling me “And you know what Daddy? Mummy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties. In fact, she’s decided to throw them all away.” Oh Margot. From the back, sits a nice little ass. Firm, poised. The wing is not only sexy, it knows it’s sexy. It has confidence, which is perhaps the sexiest thing of all.
Then the texture! I mean really! Did they really fucking have to sculpt veins into the wing? How fucking phallic can you get? The top of the wing is a hybrid cross between a clitoris and a foreskin and I can’t look away. Its creases sensuously folding into hidden layers, inviting the observer deeper, deeper within. A sexy little chicken wing, longing to be eaten. Devoured. There’s no niceties here; no knife and fork-play. You use your hands, and tongue, and dig right in. It’s greasy and you know it’s bad for you, but you just want it, baby! Another touch, another bite. Some might say its finger-licking good.
Oh, and on top of everything: the chicken wing is called “The Golden Promise.” Tell me that’s not the best stripper name ever. Does Massey university take us for fools?? We can read between the lines. We know what’s happening. And honestly, we’re not mad about it.
Every time I look at the wing, I see something different. It’s the Superman of sexual imagery. Is it a dick? Is it a leg? Is it a vagina? No, it’s a fucking chicken wing. And it’s sexy. I rest my case.