You didn’t ask, we answered: which biscuit is best in a game of soggy biscuit?
Growing up, I was always intrigued by the concept of Soggy Biscuit. I went to a single-sex school, and the rumours I heard wafting off the all-boys boarding houses were, well, were hard to ignore.
For those who don’t know, Soggy Biscuit is a game where a group sits in a circle, masturbating around a biscuit. They would all collectively cum onto the biscuit, and the slowest to do so would have to eat said biscuit at the end. You can see why I was simultaneously appalled and fascinated.
Everyone I’ve spoken to whose ever went to these schools has feverishly denied that they’d ever taken part in such a game. But, well, isn’t that exactly what you would say if you had participated? Despite lack of acknowledgements, these rumours lingered. Tortured me. So, being an avid biscuit lover myself, I decided to power-rank the best biscuits to use in a game of Soggy Biscuit. Hypothetical of course; there’s many things I’m willing to do in the name of journalism, but this is just not one of those things. But looking at factors such as flavour, texture, and size, a biscuit champion was discovered.
This assumes two things: you want as little semen as possible, and you want that taste to be disguised as much as possible. Unless you’re into that. But still, remember Soggy Biscuit isn’t your average blowjob swallow - no, it’s the collective semen of many. Tablespoons upon tablespoons. A powerhouse of cum.
Cookie Bear Hundreds and Thousands
The childhood nostalgia factor of these biscuits is hard to overlook, and hence, they’re not an ideal biscuit for such a sexual act. It’s fun and festive, sure, but a game of soggy biscuit is not a party. It’s a game of shame, of guilty pleasure beyond belief. The texture, too, complicates things. You want to get the biscuit down in a quick gulp, but the hard, persevering nature of the hundreds and thousands lingers, stuck in the edges of your mouth. It’ll do in a pinch, but not one for the hardened player.
3/10
Pink wafer biscuits
In theory, these make sense. They’re practically designed for a milky substance, commonly thought of as the ideal biscuit for an ice-cream sandwich. But that, in essence, is their downfall. They’re too willing to soak up moisture, to become one with the semen. The flavour of ‘pink’ does nothing to mask that. What was once crunchy becomes an appalling mess. Maybe if you wait a few hours, these would stiffen back up again, like socks, right?
2/10
Chocolate Fingers
If you’re into game theory, then this might be the biscuit for you. Practically, there’s no way everyone would be able to aim their semen at this small, cylindrical force of nature, so there’s less semen to cling to the chocolate. However, that being said, the chocolate layer on this biscuit is appallingly thin, so there’s not much to mask the taste. There’s also something weird/kinky about the idea of chocolate fingers and semen. You could say that about the entirety of this list, but the undeniable fact remains that this specific biscuit resembles fingers. Just something to think about.
6/10
Gingernuts
Don’t even think about it! This hard son of a bitch will have your jaw chomping and sore before you can even say “that’s a lot of semen”. It gets a bonus point for the fact that you can make a “nut” joke. That’s all.
2/10
Squiggles
In my opinion, Squiggles are a serious contender, but almost everyone I talked to disagreed. For me, there’s so much happening, what with the creamy hokey-pokey layer and the chocolate, that it’s the perfect chaser for some spoonfuls of cum. However, with heavy flavour comes heavy responsibility. Perhaps it’s just too sweet for this Big Mac sauce. And plus, you might, forever, ruin the taste of a most beloved biscuit.
6/10
Mallowpuffs
A soggy biscuit, these are not! Think about it, mallowpuffs take at LEAST three decent bites to get down. Sure, the marshmallow layer is tempting for absorbency points, as well the curved design of the biscuit is sure to expel a few stray-shooters. Nevertheless, Mallowpuffs are simply too thick.
4.5/10
Tim Tams
Remember the golden years of Tim Tam Slams? Where you’d bite the edges of and then suck up hot chocolate through the biscuit like a straw? Yeah, so, this is unfortunately not like that at all. Although it could be a kind of a power move to suck the semen through a biscuit, who knows? Overall, this is a tie for second, if you manage to fit the biscuit in your mouth at one go. The chocolate is overwhelming, and that’s really what you want.
7/10
Chocolate Digestives
I was on the fence, but there was strong public opinion behind this little guy. A sturdy, honest biscuit, that will maintain the semen effortless on top. A quick pop in the mouth, and then you’re done. The malt flavouring is strong and wheaty, the chocolate crisp and tempered. Sure, tea at your grandma’s might never be the same again, but then again, maybe nothing is once you’ve masturbated over a biscuit.
7/10
Ginger Kiss
I tossed and turned for nights about the winner. Who was my golden girl? But then, suddenly, it struck me. Ginger Kisses. Firstly, let’s just get the obvious out of the way: the name is perfect for a wee liaison with jizztown. But, this dense, delicious biscuit with a cream filled layer is a delight for the senses, no matter what you throw at it. The semen is absorbed into the biscuit without compromising its structural integrity. The texture of the semen is hidden perfectly by the cream. Best of all, the cinnamon pairs perfectly with the delicate flavourings of semen; like fish and white wine, they’re just made to complement the sensual nature of the other.
8/10. It’s not perfect, nothing is. But it’ll be a loyal companion through a stressful moment. And at the end of the day, that’s all you can really ask for.
If you have strong thoughts about biscuits and their soggy biscuit ratings, flick an email to editor@massivemagazine.org.nz to have your say.