Who’s The Imposter?
As a boy from the Hutt, one of the first things I noticed when I came to uni was how differently people spoke. For me, this was the first ding of the bell on my imposter syndrome journey. As the years have flown by and I’ve slowly come to terms with my place in tertiary education, every so often I hear that dreaded ding and the feeling comes back as strong as it did on day one.
Through chatting with friends, and just hearing people talk, this feeling of being an imposter is super common with university students. At first when I realised this widespread feeling, it lowkey irritated me. I felt as if I was the only true imposter in this situation, and everyone else was just saying it. It’s like when that kid at high school would complain after getting 98 per cent in their math test - fuck off and let me have my moment of self-loathing. But, the fact that people so irrationally yet routinely feel like outsiders suggests that something about our education system makes them feel that way.
Most of the time, imposter syndrome starts at trying to differentiate ourselves from others, but we often feel alienated when we try.
The expectation to differentiate ourselves is felt particularly in academic environments. In our competitive culture, the pursuit of knowledge is framed as an avenue for individual self-improvement, and intelligence is seen as a metric of moral superiority. School systems are often structured in a way that reinforces these beliefs. When people attach significant moral and personal value to their education beyond the pure enjoyment of it, tackling the mountain of expectations they carry with them to university can be isolating.
Part of this feeling is expected. In one sense, spending the developing years of your life in an academic blender can make you feel displaced in a way that is totally normal. However, there are parts of our tertiary education that make this feeling much worse. The corporatisation of universities, which prioritises cost-effectiveness and sees students as a set of money makers to be churned through, has created a particularly dull and generic experience.
Higher education is structured to tell us that we should be special, but deny us from ever feeling like we are. When attending large tutorials with tutors who are overworked and underpaid, communicating with impersonal and detached student services systems, and wondering whether your classes will be cut, it can be hard to feel like you’re achieving the things you set out to. When the idea that you ought to be special comes face to face with an environment that makes you feel like a number, the result is often feeling like an imposter.
Because of the individualism with which people view education, they often attribute this feeling to their personal failings – they perceive that the experience could have been different if they had been smarter or worked harder. The flip side of imposter syndrome is that when people are successful, they tend to view it as fraudulent or unsatisfying. Part of this stems from the need to feel productive – it is difficult to savour success when you’re constantly pressured to move on to the next thing. Success requires exhausting productivity routines; removing yourself from them to enjoy success, even for a second, often leaves people feeling deeply purposeless.
An effect of these factors is a society where people feel the constant need to prove themselves and compete against others, but where doing so requires a life of unenjoyable grinding. With this way of living, perhaps it’s more surprising that anyone doesn’t feel like an imposter. So if you’re reading this, I think you belong here.
Chur g,
Mason