Who Will Be Massive’s Best Baked Bean?

Baked Beans are the quintessential student feed. Cheap, saucy and delicious, they’re a go-to for any occasion. Whether served with a fry-up or eaten cold on your kitchen floor, it’s fair to say that beans are, well, here for me emotionally in a way that no man has ever bean. 

In a quest for truth, Massive decided to go on a journey to find the best baked bean. 11 cans, three humans with questionable morals, but only one can take out the ultimate prize. And yes, to answer the question you’re dying to know, we all farted a lot afterwards (someone even sharted but I’m not naming names). 

Value: $0.75 

Ah, Value. 

Intimately nostalgic of school camps and that one weird kid from high school that didn’t sleep, these beans will transport you back to a simpler time. A time of dry-humping and unbuttered toast. That being said, Value baked beans truly are quite shit. The beans are powdery, the sauce watery (not to mention, the exact same sauce they use in spaghetti … is nothing sacred?), and the whole thing is just.... not good. It’ll do the job in a pinch, but I want a slap in the ass. 

4/10 

Pam’s: $2.49 

Straight off the bat, Pam’s colour was darker than the usual orange slop. Muddy in both appearance and flavour, it seems. The sauce just...felt off. Imagine cooking sausages in a pan, and then leaving the left-over fat to coagulate. Whack that into a can and you’ve got yourself Pam’s baked beans. “Tastes like feet,” Micah lamented. He would know.  

2/10  

Wattie’s Lite: $2.70 

Advertised to have less sugar and salt than the original, I was hesitantly optimistic about this lil can of goodness. However, upon opening her treasure trunk, the colour was immediately off-putting. Very brown, very grungy-looking. On top of all that, a TERRIBLE smell. If you could package dick-cheese, Wattie’s Lite comes pretty damn close, an almost impressive feat. As for the beans, they were suspiciously smooth. Yes, that’s a thing. Massive’s designer, Micah, likened these cunts to the kind of food you’d eat on an eighteenth-century sea journey. Scurvy, anyone? 

3/10 

Wattie’s: $2.20 

I’ve always admired Wattie’s tomato sauce from a respectful distance, so my loins were juicing for a good beaning. On first bite, I was in heaven. Say what you want about Wattie’s, but a watery sauce maketh they do not. A very solid bean, a thick, creamy tomato delight. But then, the after-taste kicked in. Fucking hell, it was sweet! What was once fun and flirty soured into a sickeningly sugary bean custard. It felt like waking up from a one-night stand and discovering Yu-Gi-Oh cards plastered around their bedroom. True story. A waking nightmare, to this day. 

6/10 (Loved the foreplay, didn’t cum.) 

Macro Whole Foods Certified Organic: $1.50 

Oh God, the colour on these bad boys. The TEXTURE. Macro beans look like a tactical-vom gone wrong, and not the good kind where you can kind of re-drink the alcohol again (don’t judge me, I’m poor). The sauce was congealed in lumps, similar in appearance to apple sauce. However, once heated up, not bad. A bit bean-heavy in taste and smell, and the sauce was strangely reminiscent of tomato sauce, but hey, I’ll take what I can get. 

5/10 

Weight Watchers: $1.19 

Small container. Small beans. God, I don’t even have much to say about this one. Literally just beans in tomato-water. So sad. 

1/10

Oak: $1.40 

Oak is my childhood brand, seemingly non-pretentious, a real bean of the people. Upon further inspection, however, the gravy was concealed and clumpy, resulting in an orgy of beans when poured. Was it somewhat arousing, if not disturbing? Yes, yes it was. God, I’m so touch starved.  Overall, Oak was decent, albeit a little sweet. Standard bean, silky gravy, just lacking any wow factor. I want my MasterChef Australia moment, where the judges slap spoons against a table in delight. To be intoxicated by mere taste. Penetrated by flavour. Is that too much to ask for?  

6/10  

Wattie’s Cheese: $2.69 

Now finally, here was a contender! I’d never heard of baked beans with cheese before, but as I am an avid spaghetti and cheese girl, in theory the mechanics made sense. Tomato, cheese, what’s not to love? 

And I was right. The cheese helped to dull the unrelenting sweetness of Wattie’s, adding a much-needed savoury note. The sauce was also noticeably firmer and more consistent rather than the watery dribbles that we’d been served that afternoon. Tallulah, Massive’s illustrator, was furious with the concoction, likening it to baby food. Trust me, if that’s what babies eat, then wrap me up in a diaper and burp me gently. 

5/10 (Other people’s scores pushed this sweet nugget down. They couldn’t handle the jandal.) 

Heinz English Recipe: $2.69 

The British, whilst famously racist and bad at soccer, are said to do a good bean. Only one way to find out! 

Tallulah was all OVER this one. Coming into the review, she’d already blatantly labelled it as her favourite. Impartial reviewer, my ass. And sure, Heinz was good! Nice smelling, nice tasting sauce. The beans were a tad mushy for my liking and disintegrated quickly, but I guess it does help get the whole experience over and done with. By this point we’d been tasting beans for the past hour so we were basically all losing our fucking minds. Overall, a very nice little can of fun. 

8/10 

Chantal Organics: $3.19 

Okay, so lemme give you a rundown on Chantal Organics. Because...WHAT. Despite what they say on the packet, these aren’t fucking baked beans. No, this is much closer to a refried bean with a curry- like texture on the sauce. Which is fine, go off, but don’t try to pass it off as a baked bean. Put some respect on the name, you know? 

Chantal offered a wider variety of spices in their sauce, which made the whole thing very savoury and dinner-ish. If you had some cheese and guac, I’d pop the whole thing in a wrap. Overall, Chantal felt like something my mum would have forced me to eat back when I was unable to fend for myself (and by that, I mean order UberEats). I’m looking for saucy little beans to smother on toast for three consecutive meals, not a fancy-ass meal. I want to hate myself, you know? I know you know. 

4.5/10 

Wattie’s Sausage: $3.70 

Now here comes a controversial contender: Sausages in beans. Right?? Tallulah was vegetarian, so she just glared at us whilst we eat (not because she hates meat-eaters lol, she just really wanted Heinz to win). 

Firstly, an undeniable aspect of the sausage-bean combo: it is sexual. Seeing these sausages slop from the can, moist and bean-coated, was perhaps one of the most pornographic images I’d ever seen. Sweet baby Jesus, I almost couldn’t take it. Just like the cheese, the addition of sausages helped to mask the sweetness of the sauce. Only... more so. It was meaty and smoky and so goddamn full of umami I nearly cried. It had been a long day, okay. There’s only so many beans one girl can take, both physically and emotionally. 

The sausage itself? Disappointing. You want a nice fried tasty wee thing, not something that’s basically the same texture as the beans themselves. So, that knocked a couple of points off. Trust me, if I could bathe in the sauce, I would, but this is a bean competition babe. A tough one at that.

8/10 

The Winner: Heinz 

Yep, there you have it. Turns out, the British really do know their beans. Overall, Wattie’s served up a very emotional, very complex sausage fest. For sauce, it’s incredible, but the price point is anything but. Heinz is far cheaper, although still a little pricey, and provides a satisfying bean that’s sure to make anyone’s day. Pls sponsor us Heinz :) Our people will get in touch with your people.