We’re Going on a Man Hunt: Trying to Convince my Friends to Date Me
Welcome back to another week of me embarrassing myself very publicly, in the pursuit to find love (or at the very least, a quickie and a kiss goodnight). Whilst speed dating was, surprisingly, a success last week, I have since found myself delaying all those dates. Why, you might ask? Honestly beats me! It’s probably a mix of self-sabotage, bad weather and family/work commitments.
The truth is, dating is so much effort. I’d much prefer to fall in love through the classic friends-to-lovers trope (I’d even take an enemies-to-lover trope at this point). I have a decent handful of male friends too! So, I thought to myself, why the fuck aren’t I dating any of them? I decided to message them to find out. Yes, really.
Micah is Massive’s designer, who is currently in a lovely three-year-long relationship. He refused to tell me why he wouldn’t date me (boo) but suggested the reason that I’m single is due to the fact that I have “no follow-through” (honestly fair, seeing as I have just delayed all those blind dates). Micah also told me that I “openly talk too much about pissing my pants” after a glass of wine. This, I will defend to my dying breath. I think talking about pissing is fun, relatable and human! Who here among us doesn’t have a good pissing story? If that’s the reason I’m single, then I’ll happily be a spinster, thanks.
James is a mate who I’ve have hooked up with twice, but we always end up friend-zoning each other (plus he lives in Christchurch lol). He’s single, has a nice head of hair, but came across a little salty when I asked why we had never dated: “You’re single because fuck idk, daddy issues? Depression? Maybe you’ve just got a bad attitude.” His advice for me seeking love? “Go on dates instead of writing wannabe Critic articles?” Hahahaha, over my dead body.
I’ve been friends with Simon since first year of uni. Since then, he’s started dating a lovely friend of mine, and he’s honestly one of my best mates. Aw. So why did we never date? According to Simon, “Telling any man who does something nice for you that he’s a white knight might not be an effective way of attracting a mate.” Okay, good point, but that was like ONE time in second year. And I was friends with a lot of white knights, truly.
But hang on a second, don’t boys loved to be negged? Apparently not. “Nah girls just think boys love negging, but boys are just fundamentally lazy. I think most people’s current dating mantra is ‘If you try and don’t succeed, never try again’.” Okay, I might have been going about this whole dating thing terribly, terribly wrong. Although my current mantra is actually, “Don’t try, don’t succeed, never try again.”
When I asked what his advice to me would be about trying to find love, Simon sent me a link to Bo Burnham’s song ‘Lower Your Expectations’. Cheers, mate.
Connor is another one of my nearest and dearest, our friendship again dating back to the first year of uni. Over the years, he’s slept with many of my friends, before finally settling down with a lovely lass. So why didn’t he date me? Well, he says, “Despite the many tender glances we would share over a mild butter chicken, I could never love someone who worked in student journalism.” Rude, but fair. Connor adds, “Plus I will never be tunnel buddies with [REDACTED].” So, what’s his advice for me finding love and future tunnelling? “Stop telling people about your ‘cheesy noodles’ for the love of God.” To clarify, that is not a euphemism. I just really love two-minute noodles mixed with cheese, again a great character-trope of mine, if I say so myself.
So what did I learn? Well firstly, I’m a bit of a fucking weirdo, no surprises. I work in student media, talk about pissing myself and have bad/great taste in noodles. But I probably also need to stop being such a wimp when it comes to dating. So, next week: Tinder. Here it goes.