Ramming w/ Fergus: Loud masturbation

Q. Fergus, my flatmate keeps masturbating every night and the naughty in me reckons I should join. BUT IS IT A BAD IDEA?! 

A. First of all, how loud does your flatmate masturbate for you to hear it! And secondly, how can I achieve this? I’d love for the sexy sheep in the paddock over to hear me masturbating and jump the fence to join in. Your flatmate must be beating his meat very passionately for you to hear it. I approve.  

There is a very particular way you would have to go about this so you don’t end up with a flatmate moving out and never speaking to you again.  

This one time I could hear my farmer's border collie getting off in her doghouse. She wasn’t subtle about it because she kept howling every time she edged closer and closer to climaxing. All the noise turned me on, but I couldn’t just barge on into her dog cubby. My solution was to wait patiently for an invite. I walked back and forth, back and forth, back and forth by her door until eventually she came out and invited me inside... eagerly.  

So perhaps you could spend a lot of time in your flat hallway to remind your flattie that you're an option over their hand or vibrator or dildo. If they never invite you in, well, you’ve got your answer. But if they do... well you can live out my favourite trope – paddockmates to fuck buddies.  

The other option is that you can follow their lead and start also masturbating loudly. If they start to hang around your door, or hang out in the lounge watching Bridgerton with you even when it's past their bedtime – then making a move will likely be embraced with lots of wet crevices.  

In my case, I’ve never been turned down by anyone, so the friendly wet crevice of a neighbor is nothing new. Happy fucking everyone!