Grease, Clueless, Hocus Pocus: Virgin shame in film
If you’ve ever watched a teen movie or if you don’t live under an actual rock, you are perhaps familiar with the shame around virginity. A concept, in my opinion, that is utter bullshit. This is a conversation I am evidently quite passionate about; Sex, virginity, and their weights within social standing is crap.
If you’re having sex, you’re a slut, but if you’re a virgin, you’re a loser. Both untrue and bloody hell, who wins? Simple answer: no one. Your sexual experience is not a viable measure of your self-worth. So, pack it in. Starting uni, the who’s who of virgins was unnecessary. Which is why I have never felt the need to disclose the timeline of my virginity. If you ask, I change it each time, for me no one needs to know. It’s not important. Yes, people have had sex. Yes, people don’t. Yes, some of us have no problem sharing, and yes others don’t share. It’s entirely subjective and I’m in no position to judge you and I won’t.
Sex means something different to everyone, so the stereotypical concept of “losing” virginity sometimes just isn’t applicable. The heteronormative idea of “losing virginity” in movies is also unapplicable to many. Yet the media many of us consumed has pushed some strong narratives surrounding sex and virginity so let’s talk about sex baby.
One film that immediately comes to mind is Clueless. The line “You’re a virgin who can’t drive” on its surface is kind of funny but at the same time, what does either of those things have to do with Cher’s credibility?
Grease? I must admit I do like this movie, despite its obvious problems. It’s clearly pointed out that both Sandy and Rizzo are two drastically different sides of the same coin. Sandy is ridiculed in the unfortunately catchy song Sandra-dee for her virgin naivety. She is portrayed as being behind the other girls because she is so virginal?? Whereas Rizzo is labelled a slut for having sex.
It’s this idea that if you are not having sex, you’re not mature. You are uneducated and that’s shameful. Is that true though? Not at all.
Hocus Pocus. A virgin must light the black flame. What is it with virgin sacrificing?? In Hocus Pocus Max lights the candle and is ridiculed for the fact he must be a virgin. At the time, I couldn’t understand why that would be funny.
Even in FRIENDS, not having sex in high school brings on shame. Chandler and Ross read The Lord of the Rings and Joey didn’t because he had sex in high school. When it’s put like that: How does reading correlate to shameful virginity? Do people who read not have sex? I suppose it’s the stereotype that the nerdy or smart kid isn’t getting laid because why on Earth would you want to sleep with someone who reads? Ridiculous. In hindsight, it really is ridiculous that this narrative passed through our screens, and it was like yeah that makes sense.
Along this vein, the first kiss drama? I remember growing up the stress of having my first kiss be the most magical experience ever. In reality, it was far from that, but I don’t regret it one bit. If anything, kissing someone I thought was cute and wanted to kiss me one random Friday wasn’t firework-inducing but it also wasn’t a big deal. I’ve found the experiences that are closest to magical came from times everyone was comfortable and the feeling was mutual. It is not a race. If you want to wait, that’s your choice, if you don’t, that’s your choice too.
I had grown up watching films like The Princess Diaries where Mia goes on and on talking about the idea of a “foot popping” first kiss. Well, we saw how that worked out. Not to say my first kiss had my foot tangled in a fishing net, but it really wasn’t far off. Firsts can be awkward and unsure. You just don’t know what you’re doing and that’s okay! Later in the film when Mia and Michael kiss in front of the fountain, only to kick on the fountain with her foot was certainly magical. Life is no movie however, so it is crazy to assume that things like that happen in real life. Not to say it couldn’t. Movies are fake, consent is key, take your time.
On a lighter note, if you are interested in watching some sex related film and tv that isn’t absolutely nauseating, I’d recommend Sex Education. It’s been around Netflix for a while and not only is it hilarious (in my professional opinion), but surprisingly informative. I suppose that goes without saying for a show so aptly titled.
I have spent a little bit too long trying to remember and think of some more positive depictions of virginity in film and have come up a little short. Not to say there aren’t films and TV shows like this, I just wish I could name more of them. I think it’s time movies let this weird obsession with virginity shaming go.