Top Ranked places for a European Bender

I’m in Europe at the moment, really pushing the limits of Massive’s remote work policy. I spent three weeks travelling around and spending alternating days either on the rark or completely hungover. A boring travel article from someone you do not know ranking cities you probably have already heard about sounds as boring as watching golf. Instead, I feel it’s important to address the real hot-button issue of how fun it is when you’ve drunk too much - or just enough. I absolutely did not go on a Europe trip to ‘find myself’, I went on a Europe trip to see some cool sights and test the stamina I have for an international bender.

6. Marseille

Marseille is renowned for being the most dangerous city in France. If I was travelling by myself, I don’t think I’d be as comfortable having a night out there. Luckily, my travel companion was a male friend who speaks fluent French so I felt slightly safer having a night out. Marseille is a tourist attraction, so naturally drinking there is quite expensive. We went down the beach with a bottle of wine that cost the equivalent of $4 and drank in secret because there was an alcohol ban in place.

Once we were economically drunk, we Lime scooted into the centre of the city and went to an “English Rock Bar”. I wasn’t keen on the idea because when I’m drunk the last thing I want to listen to is fucking Oasis blasting through shitty speakers. To my pleasant surprise what greeted me was a wonderful combination of pop divas and classic white people songs like Mr Brightside. There wasn’t even a sniff of Wonderwall. It was fun and the bartenders went around with water guns filled with vodka spraying it into people’s mouths, which is an alcohol delivery system I’ve never experienced. All in all, the experience was pleasant, but walking home was a fucking nightmare.

There are rats literally everywhere in Marseille, the little fuckers come out as soon as the sun goes down like it’s the Boxing Day Sale at Briscoes. Walking home when you’re off your tits and having to contend with hundreds of rats crawling out of every drain or hole in the road is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. For that reason alone, Marseille gets my last place position, the absolute trauma of it all.

5. Amsterdam

It’s a well-established fact that Holland isn’t known for its drinking culture. Every corner has a dozen copy and paste British tourists visiting coffee shops and looking absolutely chuffed that they can smoke openly. Instead of having a big night on expensive beer, we thought it would be a great idea to get legally stoned and then go visit the Science Museum. This is the best call we could have made; the exhibits were interactive and I had the time of my life learning about planets and the human body.

It was pretty fun walking around the streets of Amsterdam and feeling like a massive tourist. Alcohol was expensive and weed was cheap, and I don’t know a single person that wants to smoke a joint and then go to a club. I had two of the most restful nights of sleep in my life and wasn’t hungover for my flight the next day. Bonus points for not seeing a single rat in the street.

4. Vienna

Known for schnitzel, the opera, and being home to the art school that rejected Hitler - Vienna held a lot of expectations for me. We decided to go on a free walking tour in the morning, but it was hotter than a mild butter chicken so we ducked out after the first stop. We headed to Prater Park - one of the longest running amusement parks in Europe. We went on a few rollercoasters that rivalled the Log Flume at Rainbow’s End and then decided to have a drink.

One drink turned into several and we thought it would be an excellent idea to go on a huge rollercoaster while we were seeing double. Then we went on the bumper cars, and I showed no mercy to the families with small children who were enjoying a nice day out. After traumatising some European tourists, we headed into town where we consumed Aperol Spritz to excess. We went back to the hostel bar and, like true economic queens, topped up the drinks we paid for with a water bottle filled with vodka. I felt myself getting to an embarrassing level of intoxicated-ness and took myself to bed for a long four-hour sleep before our train. Unfortunately, that sleep was disturbed by two people who decided a shared hostel room was an ideal place to have a quickie.

Vienna was a unique place to be drunk and the nightlife was great. The train ride the next day was not.

3. Westport

We were in Westport the same day as the All-Ireland grand final, the biggest Gaelic football competition in Ireland. The cheapest drink was Guinness, naturally, so we knocked back a few of those before switching to something lighter. Drinking a pint of Guinness feels like eating a whole bowl of Weet-Bix and you just end up feeling bloated and gross.

We were staying with friends on a farm so we drank outside and I felt classy as fuck drinking red wine and eating cheese. It was a nice change of pace from intense nightlife and I didn’t have to pay for a single drink. We argued over who would be in charge of the aux and then went inside to play with the dog. Any form of pet when you’re drunk is a godsend, but this was an 80kg St. Bernard so my whole life felt like it had peaked. His name was George and I miss him more than air, even though he tried to eat my hat while it was still on my head.

Even though Gaelic football is the most confusing sport I’ve ever watched, being able to sit in a pub with people who actually knew what was going on was a very cool atmosphere. Wine + cheese + huge dog = a high ranking for Westport.

2. Prague

Prague earns a high ranking mostly because of the price of drinks. It was NZ$3 for a pint of beer, and the food was cheap too. This meant that the kebab after a night out was more satisfying than ever before.

We met some English girls and played the British version of King’s Cup, which has different nonsensical rules that I was not a fan of. It took about 30 seconds to twist everyone's arm and we headed into a club that the hostel receptionist recommended to us.

The club had four different floors, live music and a pizza shop. It also had a gated entry and two terrifying bouncers that were not in the mood to chat. It felt a bit surreal and I got lost multiple times. Getting free drinks was easy because of how inexpensive they are. Being able to take a break for a slice of pizza before heading back into the throng of things was extremely convenient.

Points for pizza inside the club, points for $3 beers and points for the two Kiwi guys we met in line who were from Gizzy.

1. Berlin

Berlin has a huge reputation for having crazy nightlife, the clubs stay open until midday and the famous ones are exclusive and hard to get into, especially if you look like the biggest tourists to ever walk the earth.

We didn’t bother trying to get into Berghain, because we weren’t nearly edgy enough and looked like the most basic bitches to ever walk the streets of Berlin. Instead, we went to Tresor, where we waited three hours to eventually be let in at 3.30am. Waiting in line sounds like hell, but we were allowed to drink in public and the queue itself meant that we could drink and make friends before we entered.

They covered our phone lenses with stickers and told us there was a strict no photography policy. The club is underground and in an old factory so it was fucking huge. I wish I’d worn my Fitbit because the absolute distance I would have racked up would blow my step stats up hugely.

Everyone was dressed far cooler than me and the music was insanely loud. Despite this, it was one of the coolest nights purely for how unique the experience was. When we left it was nearly 7am and we went straight to Maccas for a double cheeseburger (extra pickles), before heading to bed and sleeping until 2pm the next day. Berlin takes the cake for really putting my stamina to the test, and boosting my ego hugely for being let in to what is meant to be quite an exclusive place.