The Top 5 "weed" in Video Games.
Cannabis. That leafy green plant we see dotting the snapbacks of almost every twelve-year-old riding an MGP scooter. I, like many of you probably, first learnt about this substance through a certain giraffe, in the back of a bus outside my intermediate. Using visual aids and superb storytelling skills, that giraffe prepared me for a world where every single person I know WOULD offer me weed, and would NEVER take no for an answer. Harold existed in an age where weed was only possible in the material plain.
BUT WHAT IF WE MADE WEED... DIGITAL?
WHAT IF WE COULD GET BAKED... IN THE METAVERSE?
WHAT IF... HAROLD FOUND OUT ABOUT DIGITAL WEED?
WOULD HE PREFER IT, OR JUST BE DISSAPOINTED WE WEREN’T GETTING HIGH WITH OUR FRIENDS IN THE REAL WORLD?
Thanks to modern computer processing power, and science beyond my understanding, we no longer have to ask “what if”. So, join me, as we look into the cyberspace-strains of everyone’s favourite Class C substance.
Today we review…
The Top 5 "weed" in Video Games.
As I know nothing about weed or drugs, my good friend who we shall call Heisenberg has agreed to give their completely unbiased and unfiltered insight as to how accurate the 420ing going on within these games truly is. I have it on record that Heisenberg has smelt weed at least once in their life, maybe even had a weed before, so you know they know what they’re talking about.
5. Your Son Jimmy's Bong - Grand Theft Auto V
Ryder and Little Jacob – two names which GTA fans know are synonymous with getting blazed off the good kush. Arguably, neither have had stoney cultural impact and acclaim like GTA V’s own Jimmy De Santa, AKA Big J, AKA J-Dog, AKA Jizzle.
At any point during the game’s campaign, while playing as Michael, the player has the opportunity to, as the kids say, “take a rip” from Jimmy’s iconic bong. This action leaves Michael coughing, causing the screen to turn into a technicolor blur complimented with wavey lines.
Heisenberg’s take!
“The second you ingest the tiniest bit of weed your vision starts to tint green. [As] far as accuracy is concerned, I see no problems here. Also, Michael must be a frequent user as he does a massive pull, ingests the smoke instead of exhaling and doesn’t cough. Truly he’s what all stoners aspire to be someday.”
Just as I had suspected, GTA V offered an incredibly detailed and completely realistic depiction of how weed affects us. Heisenberg later confirmed that weed causes you to have an existential and aggressive internal monologue about your role as a father, and how you’re smoking your son Jimmy’s weed, so this checks out for accuracy too.
4. Vaas's Crop Farm - Far Cry 3
One of the most popular shooter franchises out there, Far Cry 3 set the series trend of over-the-top action mixed with sex, cussing, and of course – lots and lots of drugs.
One such mission sees the culmination of all elements, minus the sex, when the player is tasked with burning a weed operation to the ground… with a flamethrower.
Igniting the various plant fields causes the game world to bloom, become oversaturated and blurry as hell, as well as causing Skrillex’s “Make it Bun Dem” to begin blaring in a totally not obnoxious or racially insensitive manner.
Heisenberg’s take!
“This makes me think of hanging out with six friends in high school, blasting Die Antwoord and smoking together…”
Heisenberg found this depiction very relatable. When I asked if smoking weed really did make Skrillex randomly start playing, they seemed a bit unsure. Ten hours later they consumed an edible and then sent me a very alarmed message. "I h8 myself I had a brownie to help myself sleep and I can't sleep bc no brian is just fucking blasting that skrillex song from far cry."
And if this does not confirm the accuracy then I have no idea what will.
3. Smokeables from ''Brown Baggers'' - Saints Row
Back in 2006, Saints Row dared to ask the question, “What if weed was legal?” Obviously given the excessive violence and crude humour, this only gave ammunition to certain parties as to why it SHOULDN’T be legal.
To this day, Saints Row’s Brown Baggers stand as a symbol of what could have been (and still could be).
Rocking up to any of these stores around Stillwater, the player can purchase a variety of cannabis related products in a safe manner, completely legal and over the counter. The player is also at liberty to smoke right then and there if they desire, most likely so they can make room in their pockets to purchase even more of the devil's lettuce to take home.
From already rolled blunts, to a prepacked and fully watered bong, Saints Row really dared to dream about what life could be like if weed was legal.
Heisenberg’s take!
“This is the future we could’ve had if the referendum went through… Specifically this is what *INSERT A CERTAIN SHOP IN PALMY* could’ve been if the referendum went through. However, as hopeful as I am for the future, I’m not the most keen on smoking instore then driving straight after… mayhaps not the best thing.”
While the concept of a dispensary where you can smoke in-store as soon as your gear is in hand seemed far-fetched to Heisenberg, the prices of the good stuff were incredibly close to what they’d been paying.
“$20 for a single blunt? Yeah, that’s accurate.”
Heisenberg then began to cry profusely for a few minutes, murmuring about the future we missed out on.
“$40 for a Rick and Morty bong, pre filled! What a world we could’ve lived in…”
What a world indeed, Heisenberg. What a world indeed…
2. ''Weed'' - The Minecraft Weed Mod
If there’s one thing that Minecraft goes hand in hand with, it’s pot. I assume. I’m not really sure honestly, but many people on the worldwide internet shared that sentiment and hey, when have people on the internet ever been wrong??
After growing your own cannabis, or game-ending a few randomly spawning “Hippy” mob characters and collecting the buds they drop, the player is able to craft a variety of weed items. These items include a single blunt, or an edible which is literally just a slice of cake stuffed full of weed.
Consuming either of these gives the player whacky status effects, making the screen wobble and even increasing their strength, speed and jump height!
Heisenberg’s take!
“World spinning after a big edible… yup. Also, you don’t get physical strength but you do become dumb enough to start thinking you’re way stronger. As for the jump boost, high people do enjoy jumping, I think you just wanna be up high in a literal sense.”
The overall accuracy seems all fine and good, maybe even the most accurate out of all the video game ganjas so far! But there was one burning question I NEEDED Heisenberg to answer: Can you make an edible by just jamming weed, uncooked, straight into a slice of cake?
“I mean… it would work…. It’s just a waste of resources…”
When I asked how you would NOT waste resources they proceeded to go on a tangent and describe a recipe for homemade nerd's rope edibles.
1. Weeds - Animal Crossing New Horizons
Finally… the number one spot. What I consider to be the most accurate depiction of weed in all video games: the weeds which appear on your island in Animal Crossing: New Horizons.
Leaving the game a few days, then coming back to it will allow the player to discover that their island has been overgrown with weed! And while you cannot smoke it, you can pull each and every one and sell them for profit at the store or wait and sell them to a dodgy sloth guy who will pay double for what you have.
Everything we’ve looked at showed the completely and utterly accurate reality of smoking weed, but Animal Crossing shows you what it’s like to deal. In New Horizons, you ARE a weed kingpin.
Heisenberg’s take!
“Use the ‘Y’ button, to weed. But like to be fair… if you do come across weed in the wild you would… pull it out…”
Heisenberg then proceeded to burst into tears for the third time during the interview, mourning the future that is just out of reach, how weed could’ve sprouted everywhere, and we could be selling it all right now “if the referendum went through”.
It was around this point that I started to realise Heisenberg may not be as educated about weed as I once thought. Alas, time was short and they’re the best I had for these reviews, so they closed off with some genuine words of wisdom.
“Everyone should bug the Green Party to try and do another referendum, cause while weed memes and jokes are funny, the criminalization of weed is outdated and incredibly racially biased. In saying that, don’t do drugs or you’ll have to deal with the disappointment of our favourite giraffe puppet.”
Heisenberg then winked at me, before flying off into the sunset, presumably going to mislead and misinform others about the accuracies of dope in video games.
Bless you, Heisenberg, wherever you are.
To summarise, if you want an accurate experience of how pot be you cannot go wrong with ANY of those listed above. Truly the developers knew exactly how weed operates. It’s wonderful to see accurate substitutes on the market for those without access, those who can’t smoke, or those who just want to try something different.
Digital cannabis... what a marvelous time to be alive...