Swap it like it’s hot (vol 2)
The Massive Designer and Editor swap jobs, for lols
Micah, the Designer :
I have been wondering for a while now just what the fuck Caroline does all day. From what I can tell, she makes coffee that she forgets to drink, takes naps on the couch with the office cat Pocket, and occasionally organises zoom calls that nobody turns up to. So when it was suggested that we swap roles for an hour - I gotta admit I was pretty hyped on the idea.
Just as I was about to get comfy on the couch however, an e-mail pinged from her computer. A news article had just been submitted that required editing. Shit. I went to sit at her desk to read it and noticed that her office chair is boosted up extraordinarily high. I guess she does it to feel important and demonstrate her supremacy over the office. Admittedly, the feeling was a little intoxicating so I left it as is. Right, let’s dive in. The article had been annotated by the staff writer “uhhh.. so I know this is a little casual, I’m shit at news writing lmao could you please give it some of that magic sauce.” That magic sauce? What the fuck is that?? If Caroline is really oozing with some super-powerful jus then this is the first I’m hearing of it.
The next half an hour was spent staring at a screen trying to figure out what was wrong with the piece and what the hell I could do to improve it. I thought I’d noticed a spelling error until I realised that “egotistical” was indeed the correct spelling and me thinking it was spelt “ego testicle” my entire life does nothing to change that. It’s been three days and I’m still shaken. By the time the hour was up, I was frankly relieved to be descending back to the familiar height of my office chair in my little corner of the office. Sometimes it takes leaving to know how good ya had it.
What I’ll miss: The undeniable feeling of inflated self-importance.
What I won’t miss: The soul-crushing feeling of never being good enough.
Caroline, the Editor:
Micah is my designer and honestly, from what I see, he just fucks around and spends hours deciding on a single font. Which, most of the time, ends up being the wrong font. In swapping roles, I a) wanted to get hands on his chair because mine is too high and I have no idea how to adjust it and b) was fucking sick of answering emails. Do you know how many people email Micah? None! He has no friends, no acquaintances! It was the perfect ruse, if not slightly sad.
Sitting down at his glorious chair, I was assigned the role of designing the puzzle page. Puzzles are fun! Everyone loves puzzles! However, using InDesign was another matter. When I was in year 10, I used a wee bit of Adobe Photoshop to badly photoshop my high-school selfies. I honestly don’t know why no one called me out on my shit, but it landed me with an inflated ego of using Adobe Suite. Being a designer is HARD.
Firstly, Micah has some truly fucked trackpad settings. It’s slow, it’s stiff, it’s like having sex with the elderly. Not that I know what that feels like, a gal can only dream. Secondly, using Indesign, I had no idea how to actually insert jpegs or pdfs. There’s so many different tools?? So, inserting puzzles was a no go. All I could do was copy and paste some text and insert some nice circles. I love circles, they’re so round. An hour felt like a lifetime. All my life, I have felt like I secretly have great taste, but I lack the skills to execute a vision. I was right. My font choices? Fucking iconic. Doing anything practical? Yuck. The end result was well, not the nice magazine you see before you. I’ll stick to answering emails, thanks.
What I’ll miss: Fucking around on a nice chair, choosing between serif and sans serif
What I won’t miss: Indesign. Real bitches know what I mean.