Tangled up in no strings attached

If Paris is the city of love, Pōneke is the city of complicated sex with one degree of separation. High School exes, trench coat-wearing Marxists, tortured theatre men with feather earrings, mulleted girls in bands, moody photographers – the city has it all.   

Three years of dating in the city and I have dipped my toes into the casual sex pond. And after trial and many errors, it's not for me. It turns out the emotionally unavailable will not abruptly change their minds and fall in love with you on a dusty Saturday morning. After another unsuccessful stint, I wonder how my girlfriends and Instagram mutuals maintain good sex with strangers, no strings attached.  

On a Thursday evening, I catch the number 7 bus to Brooklyn for pasta and chat. My friend Emily asks, “I mean what is casual sex? Is it when you don’t know them that well?”  

I have positioned myself on the denim couch that has seen me through about five failed situationships and hundreds of cups of tea. My best friend from high school, Sophia, sits squished beside me. “Well, there's casual sex with a situationship, casual sex over an extended period, and when you're not dating but exclusively having sex with the one person," she says. 

Isabelle takes a break from playing The Sims to say, “I have only had bad sex experiences and then got a long-term boyfriend. So, I've never had a hot girl single moment.” 

Ava, seated across from me, says that casual sex has remained a grey area for her too, questioning if having casual sex with an ex should be considered casual. We ponder on how exclusivity without the forbidden ‘relationship’ label is modern age dating bread and butter. Ava laughs and mocks, “Exclusive but not dating”.  

Emily says, “There's been times when having casual sex with an ex and you know it's not going to go anywhere but you wish it would be more.”  

Sophia agrees, “Yeah, I was seeing this girl for six months and she told me ‘You had to like me and that ruined everything’.” This strikes a nerve with me too. Even though we often know that the person is not looking for a relationship, there is a twang of hope that it still might become something more. Sophia relates, “That's what I felt with seeing people I didn't even really like. It just became a point of validation.”  

I admit something shamefully with a laugh, “Well, I've been with people and at the start it's casual and then I'm thinking ‘through sex I can win them, and they will want me eventually’.” We talk with a tad of jealously about the people who start dating causally, but it turns into something serious and committed.  

We all agree that messiness and pain is avoided when both parties are on the same page of where the relationship is headed. Emily explains that her casual sex was easier to pursue when she made a decision to move away from Wellington next year. “It just feels easier to date when you are on the same page that it's not going to be something serious.”  

After the tea cups were cleared, chocolate had vanished and the big light was turned on, we realised we sounded like sadistic prudes. I ask, “Okay, but do we actually enjoy having casual sex?” 

Ava makes a good point, “I think there's nothing wrong with wanting casual sex for casual sex. It becomes complicated when you have hopes that casual sex will become a relationship and that often doesn't work out because you are wanting something that's not quite there.” 

Sophia says, “You know, I went on a little casual sex spree and ended up with a boyfriend. But not that it has to be the ultimate goal.” 

Ava and Emily agree that they have enjoyed instances of casual sex and it can be uplifting. Emily says, “I actually do enjoy casual sex. It can be very uplifting. I would say I'm only into casual sex at the moment. I honestly don't have time with uni and want to spend my free time with my friends.” We all exclaim, “A modern woman!” 

I say goodbye to the Brooklyn babes and head through the valley thinking about my own relationship to casual sex. Perhaps the real issue isn’t sex, rather our honesty with ourselves and sexual partners about what we desire.