Sexcapades - I listened to porn, and it backfired

Porn sucks. But that's all I’ve known for my 19 years of existence.

The story begins like most good ones do. Me and a few mates are drinking in the halls, getting sloshed with the aim of going to town. We’re blasting music and playing drinking games. I’m shit at beer pong so I'm forced to drink way too much of whatever’s in my cup. My guess is a mixture of Long White’s and DB Export, but don’t trust me on that one.

Things turn up as the night goes on and as you’d expect, one of the boys invites a group of girls around to pre with us. The Cube is a fairly large hall, so I vaguely know these girls, but whether they know me is another story.

As the friend group's token virgin, the fact girls were coming over had everyone frothing at the prospect of me hooking up with someone. It seemed like the environment was set up perfectly for me to do so, I just had to execute the game plan. Anyways, the gals walk in and instantly my eye is drawn to this cute brunette. I know this isn’t a love column so I’ll leave out my fawning over her gorgeous eyes, but I knew this was the time to make my move. We started chatting and I instantly got the vibe that this could go somewhere. She was dominant, and let me know what she was looking for. I quickly obliged and we scuttled back to my room and locked the door behind me.

My dream was coming true, I was about to lose my virginity to a smoke show, or at least I thought I would. You see, porn has wired me to think sex is an acrobatic affair. So, after she blew me for a good 5 minutes and I was hard enough to comply, I suggested we try the Ol spoon position. You see, I’d fantasized about losing my virginity in this position. Her looking back at me while I scoop my dick between her legs. My hands running wild on her stretched body. With all this in mind I park up behind her and attempt to reach my dick around in between her leg. This is when my mind and body go into shock.

My dick isn’t big enough to reach her vagina. After 19 years of buildup, of fantasizing of this moment and I don’t have the tools to get the job done. As you can imagine I instantly go soft, start crying and tell her to leave. On her way out she gives me a pat on the back and lets me know that missionary is good for beginners.

Fuck porn.

Previous
Previous

Massey’s got talent (2012)

Next
Next

The PERFECT Melody