Sexcapades Episode 15: Breakin’ the Banjo
Picture the scene: a lovely Thursday night. Drinks with the crew. At around 2am I started to get a bit dusty, and a bit handsy, with an old flame of mine. We were too lazy to get an Uber home, but thankfully the hosts said one of their flatties was out for the weekend, and we could use the bed. Bingo.
Truth be told, I wasn’t like SUPER into the whole thing, but we were making out and I was trying to get into the groove of it. We were doing a bit of dry-humping with a handy thrown in, you know how it goes. When suddenly, I just feel my dick deflate. Like a balloon, just “whoosh!”. It felt like a sign from God, like clearly my heart, nor my dick, was really into this girl. Told her I wasn’t feeling it, and leaned over to turn on the lights.
Blood. There was blood everywhere. And I mean literally everywhere. On the sheets, pillows, even on the fucking carpet. “Um, Fuck! Mate, have you got your period?” I exclaimed. After a bit of checking between the legs, she assured me the problem wasn’t her. Oh god. In a slow pan down to my groin, I saw the source of the blood. Gushing out of my banjo cord, it just kept going. The weird thing was, I didn’t FEEL any pain. Sure, I was 9 Diesels down, but you’d think that when something happened to the wee fella, you’d be the first to feel it, right? Wrong.
Sure, looking back, I COULD have got to hospital. Probably should. But in the moment, grabbed a bit of loo-roll and after a couple of minutes, the blood had pretty much stopped. Weird, right? To this day, I think it’s possible that she had nicked the thing with a ring (these artsy girls, huh), but no one knows for sure. All I know is that at 2am, my ex-girlfriend and I were scrubbing the blood of the sheets and the carpets like there was no tomorrow. Like, it wasn’t even my room! After a lot of bleach, and a few more Diesels, the room was almost as good as new.
So- did the owner of the room notice? Long story short, yes. But only because his flatmates snitched on us! The stains were barely noticeable after our spot treatment, and let’s face it, he didn’t really seem the type inspect their sheets that closely. Anyway, I wasn’t invited to their next party, and to this day I always ask girls to take off their rings before I plow them.