Getting cosy with the fella in your head
How quitting social media helped me live with myself
Words by Alex Grant
Over the last few months, my mind and body have been rearranged into the dream child of twenty-first century parents around the world, praised by yoga teachers and congratulated by therapists. The secret to my success? Quitting social media.
Quitting is sold to us with the dream of returning to a pre-pubescent place soaked in creative ideas and oozing with the time and childlike confidence to pursue them. While I too thought this was a preachy gimmick, I have since learned the most important thing school could never teach me: The ability to live with myself.
Having social media is like having the constant buzz of New York City in your pocket. When this noise was removed from my life, I was faced with seemingly endless stretches of silence between study, work and errands. Pockets of silence that would’ve once been taken up with a quick scroll on Instagram were now moments with mostly only my own mind for company. Going cold was a lot more difficult than promised.
The 6pm news repeatedly tells us our generation's pandemic of anxiety and depression is largely driven by our attachment to social media and the online world. Relieving this social anxiety was the supposed benefit of quitting socials that I was most doubtful of. Anxiety plagued my life long before I signed up to social media, but in the almost decade that I've had access to online platforms I had forgotten what the fears of my childhood felt like. They were characterised by my physical place in the world. My doorstep acted like a salt line that the supernatural beasts of anxiety couldn't cross. They were make believe.
It was only after drawing back from social media that I realised these platforms had taken that imaginary judgement and made it real. They attached profiles, likes and comments to my misplaced fear, giving it weight and heightening the stakes of my every move. After removing Instagram from my daily routine, I felt hundreds of eyes drop away, and over the consecutive weeks more pressure was relieved with every platform I cut out.
I slowly listened to the hum of the physical city re-emerge, catching the tail ends of conversations and snippets of the complex lives of strangers. Becoming more aware, made me feel less alone. This increased sense of engagement with the world soon spread into my social life. I have been more engrossed in my conversations with friends. Not having seen their recent stories or tweets makes me savour their words and hold my breath for the plot twist of their week.
My anxiety is still there, nipping at my heels, but it is far easier to outrun it when joy is so present, so reachable. It feels good to be wanted by myself.
I do not hold your use of media against you because that would be hypocritical. I still use certain platforms as it's simply a more efficient and practical way to communicate as a first-time student living away from home. But it feels good to question why you are using social media. If online platforms are a way for you to disappear from yourself, like me, I hope that you try turning the phone off and getting cosy with the fella in your head. They may surprise you.