Online Dating as a Fat Woman

Existing as a fat woman can be shitty. Then, you add online dating to the mix. Worse: online dating with MEN.

Now, I’m not against online dating. I met my ex on Tinder, and we were pretty happy for over two years, until he turned out to be a lying cheater. But anyway, it’s an obvious truth that fat women are constantly hypersexualised and fetishised by men behind the safety of a screen. I can confidently say that the majority of the advances I’ve received from men have been sexual, rather than romantic. There’s three signature lines I’ve encountered on my journey that support this statement.

Firstly, there’s the classic ’I’ve never been with a big girl before’. You see, when you’re a fat woman, you’re seen as a rare creature. These men want to get a closer look at you, inspect your body, see if the rumours of being with a ‘big girl’ are all they’re cracked up to be. But the gag is, they’ll only do this behind closed doors, and never in the public eye. Being intimate with a fat woman is one thing, but dating one? Falling in love with one? The patriarchy could never.

Secondly, my messages are constantly flooded with lines like ‘Damn, you’re thick’. Yes, I know. I don’t need you sliding into my DM’s and pointing out the obvious. You see, men have this theory that being called ‘thick’ is some huge compliment that fat women should just swoon over. We must absolutely froth it because any advance we receive, we should be ‘grateful’ for. But honestly, nobody should be applauded for liking a fat woman. PSA for the boys out there who think this shit actually works; simply complimenting us won’t get us into bed. We’re fat, not desperate. We don’t just bone anything that breathes.

Lastly, we’ve got the very overdone ‘I don’t know if I could handle all of you’. Okay then, don’t. I wasn’t asking you to. Who said I even wanted you to? Fat women don’t need to be ‘handled’. We’re not some impossible force to be reckoned with, and we won’t explode if we aren’t carefully treated with the right tools. We’re just women that are fat. And if you don’t want to ‘handle’ us, whatever that means, we can do it ourselves just fine.

So, what narrative does this write for fat women trying to date? Simply put, we’re seen as fuckable but not datable. We’re an exciting risk to take, a secret affair men keep sealed behind their dirty lips. A free trial for their first plus-size sexual experience to see if they want to do it again.

We have to rifle through the slim selection (Palmy North’s Tinder, I am looking at you) of men that are attracted to us, and feel grateful that anyone is attracted to us at all. Never knowing if it’s genuine, or if it’s some big fucking joke between a guy and his mates to see if he can get you into bed. Coming across the ones that are sexually attracted to fat women, but are deeply ashamed of it because society is fatphobic as fuck.

We constantly have to defend ourselves, because if we aren’t receiving sexual messages on our apps, chances are we’re receiving fat-shaming messages instead. I can’t tell you the amount of guys I’ve matched with on Tinder who have just straight-up called me fat or chubby. What do they want me to say? ‘Oh my god, really? Holy fuck, thank you SO much for letting me know. I don’t own a mirror and have never looked at myself naked, so I had no idea. I owe you my life.’ Come up with something more original, babe. Your words don’t hurt me, they make me laugh.

Fatphobia is a deeply-rooted system of oppression within our society. Fat people are seen as less worthy, ugly, disgusting. People FEAR becoming us, they don’t wish to get to know us, they cast us aside like fucking brussel sprouts on their Christmas plate. And so, sometimes it can feel like our dating story is already written for us. The narrative is predetermined, and we just have to act as passive participants in the matter. Society says fat women are ugly, therefore we must be grateful for any attention we receive.

Do you know what I say to that narrative? FUCK THAT. I’m not going to get on my knees and thank God that some guy paid a speckle of attention to me just because I’m fat. I’m not going to waste my time on a guy who would treat me like a lost shoe at the bottom of his closet, never bothering to take me out. I’m not going to be like Neon and offer a two week free trial, just for some disrespectful asshole to stick it in me and finish in two minutes. I’m a hot, beautiful, sexy, FAT woman who does not exist to fulfill a man’s secret wet dream. My confidence is intimidating and threatening, because I refuse to shrink myself for the comfort of others. I completely reject the box that society has built for me. The thought of a fat girl knowing her worth and not settling for less is unnerving, especially when men realise they can’t control me in the slightest.

For my fellow fat women out there, you are THAT BITCH. Don’t fuck him just because you feel like he’s the only one out there who wants you. Don’t settle for the guy who wants you late at night, but never in the morning. Don’t stay with a man who hides all of your glory behind their bedroom door. If casual sex is your thing and you don’t want something serious, there’s nothing wrong with that. But please, just don’t settle for less if that’s not what you truly desire. There’s so many men out there who want you. Go for the guy who takes you out for Italian food in your most revealing dress. Who shows you ALL the affection, no matter who the fuck is looking. Who wants everyone to know that he’s crazy about you, curves and all.

Fat women are changing the dating scene as we speak. We’re fucking shit up, and looking bomb while doing it. Get amongst it or get lost.