If Katy Perry can become an astronaut, so can I

Budget astronaut training  

 My motto in life is if Katy Perry can do it, so can I.  

The singer announced last week she has signed on for the next Blue Origin space flight. This is the first all-female crew heading to space since 1963.  

Perform to a sold-out stadium right after my husband divorces me via text? Yup.  

Kiss a girl and like it? Duh.  

Marry a sexy pirate? Uh huh.  

Join an all-female space flight? Of course!  

To prove my worth to Katy, I pledge to join her in space and put myself through extensive astronaut training. But going to space isn't a ‘Teenage Dream’. 

According to NASA, each round of astronaut training has a different focus: Physical, mental and buoyancy.  

Astronauts train in realistic simulators that mimic the vibrations and noise of a spacecraft. They are required to complete 300 hours of training in these simulators before their mission.  

Unfortunately, my time, qualifications, and Massive’s budget didn’t warrant a trip to NASA headquarters. Thus, my training centre was based at my gym, the Massive office and the beach.  

Crab and bear walking   

Corey Twine, NASA’s strength and conditioning specialist, says that astronauts train for two and a half hours daily, seven days a week. This training helps counteract the effects of microgravity by building strength and coordination through full body exercises.  

So, to start of my physical training, I headed to the gym. But as someone with dyspraxia, I knew I was going to be BAD.  

For an at-home spacewalk activity, NASA suggests two exercises. One is the bear crawl, where you crawl on your hands and knees. The other is the crab walk, where you shuffle on your hands and feet with your back on the ground.  

As a former Warrior Cats superfan, I’ve got some experience running around on all fours. However, this didn't quite prepare me for this challenge.  

Across the gym floor, I boldly crawled on my hands and knees in front of four gym bros – a true test for my coordination and ego.  

I left with bruised palms and a vow never to set foot on the athletic training floor again. 

The Stroop test  

Beginning my mental training, I walked into the Massive office to find my editor, Sammy, carving a hole into a white bucket. 

“I’m making you a helmet!” she exclaimed.  

I put on my uniform — a $29 astronaut costume designed for optimal brain functionality. 

The Stroop test requires reading a list of colour names and saying the colour of the font aloud rather than the word itself. 

According to the study Development and Validation of the Cognition Test Battery for Spaceflight, the Stroop test measures an astronaut's emotional response rate. It tracks how quickly they can override the automatic impulse to read the word and instead focus on identifying the font colour. 

This was easy – crushed that shit in 21 seconds.  

The Harvard step test 

After my absolute sweep in the last exercise, I came in with red-hot confidence to the next mental test.  

The Harvard step test examines multi-tasking and concentration skills. It involves stepping up and down on a box while repeating a set of four numbers in reverse order.  

I marched up and down on a flimsy plastic box and was crushing it – until I had to repeat the numbers. I got none of them remotely right. I could barely remember what the numbers were, let alone say them backwards.  

Ruler drop 

This third mental exercise tests hand eye coordination and reaction times. It requires dropping a ruler from a certain height and measuring how far down it was caught.  

NASA says astronauts spend many hours testing their hand eye coordination skills. Pilots with strong hand eye coordination skills have more success landing the shuttle after a long mission.  

Seeing as Massive head of design, Luka, was off work sick, he unknowingly volunteered his prized ruler for this exercise. Editor Sammy dropped it down towards my trembling hands.  

I caught the ruler on all three attempts, though it was a bit of a fumble. While I was aiming to catch it at the bottom, my reaction time caught it near the top. On the last go, I caught the middle of the ruler. Katy would be proud.  

However, the ruler did have a crack in it after the test. Sorry Luka.  

Buoyancy swimming  

After vigorous physical and mental preparation – I was ready for my final test. The test of buoyancy.  

Water training is important to teach astronauts how to move in anti-gravity. The Neutral Buoyancy Laboratory, located at NASA’s Sonny Carter training centre, holds 6.2 million gallons of water and spans 200 feet in length with a depth of 40 feet. Designed to simulate weightlessness, this massive pool allows astronauts to practice spacewalks.  

Unfortunately, we were denied from every public pool in Wellington. So, we took more natural approach and headed to the beach.  

Surprisingly, there isn't much information about ocean-based astronaut training. So, I chose my exercises based on those used in NASA's buoyancy pool.  

My mission was simple: Complete as many continuous summersaults as possible, paddle underwater, and collect 10 shells from the ocean floor.  

Dressed in my astronaut suit, my bucket helmet and armed with my rocket ship (a red boogie board), we sauntered on to Wellington’s Hataitai Bay. 

Against the grueling Welly wind and two judgy swimmers, nothing was going to stop me from fulfilling my pledge. It didn’t matter that several cyclists and onlooking construction workers had just laughed me – this was my chance to prove my worth. I put on my pink goggles. 

With Massive photographer Georgia and her GoPro camera watching me, I put my competitive swimming background to the test and bravely dove under the water. After much flipping and splashing, I managed two clumsy somersaults.  

Without a moment to spare, I dove back under in search of rocks. Salty water streamed down my throat as I reached for what I assumed were stones. I emerged, spluttering and coughing, only to open my hand and find twelve shells. 

Ground control (Sammy, patiently waiting at the shore) called us back to Earth. I crawled my way back, dragging a sopping wet nylon jumpsuit and fingernails full of pebbles in my wake. 

________________________ 

After my budget training, I’ve found that becoming an astronaut is a difficult skill that not even Katy Perry can romanticise. Your body and mind will be compromised, dignity destroyed, coordination crumbled, and ability to show your face at the beach ruined.  

Although... a slumber party in space with the girls sounds kinda lit. NASA, if you need more divas, give me a call.