Massive asked students about the best advice they’d give in the kitchen

To some people, cooking comes so fucking naturally.  For the rest of us, it’s a pasttime littered with smoke alarms, food on the floor and trying not to cry infront of our flatmates. To help the “idiot sandwiches” among us, Massive has compiled advice from the few people we would somewhat trust in a kitchen. Their credentials? Well, they haven’t given themselves food poisoning yet or left a plastic chopping board on a hot stove. Sure, this article probably won’t turn you into a Michelin star chef, but can help you avoid some dumb decisions in the culinary world. 

Avoid Spicy Cat Shit 

Basically, beware of leaving food out. Nina, a distance student from the South Island, highlighted the danger of pets and flat cooking. When she introduced the flat cat to me, she said, “this is Dustin - he’s a little fucked up”, don’t worry, he’s very sweet but also very dumb. After making a spicy curry, Dustin “licked it up a bit and took a shit on the floor”. Whether Dustin actually liked the food is still unknown. But it still hasn’t put him off stealing food to this day. He later stole an unsuspecting sausage. 

Also, food gets mouldy too, and flatmates can get angry, so do your dishes. Or at least hide them in your room, where no one else can see. 

KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) 

Ash, who has been flatting for a couple of years, said that the key things to keep in mind for cooking as a student are “fast, easy and cheap”. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get creative. Ash had a friend who would make “adjustable apple crumble” as a flat dessert. She said he’d get a “big casserole dish with layers that have more apple or more crumble”. It was created from a “big apple stew with different layers of apple and crumble”. It allowed flatmates to adjust according to their needs. Flexible, adaptable, a success story for flat meals. Nina also mentioned keeping it simple: “Just get the bare necessities, carbs, meat [or not if you aren’t into that] and veg, throw it all together and eat it.” 

Emma, a third year uni student, recommended keeping packet and/or sachet food for when you don’t have time to cook. It also created one of the (possible) first meals she made in a uni accommodation flat. “I can’t remember exactly what the first meal I cooked was, but I’m 99% sure it was coconut curry, vegetables and rice. I had I think the Wattie’s stir fry vegetable mix, the one with the pineapple (not very nice, don’t get that one) as well as the coconut curry sauce packet and white rice that I cooked in my rice cooker.” That coconut curry ended up becoming a staple in Emma’s menu. Although, I’ve found the easiest three-ingredient dishes I’ve made include cheese, any type of pasta and whatever meat or veggies you have on hand. Just to be clear, seasoning does not count as an extra ingredient. It is a necessity and, hot tip, add a shit ton of salt to the water as the pasta cooks. I’ve seen videos of monkeys seasoning their yams in seawater, and if they know the importance of salt, you should know it too. 

Rinse your rice before cooking 

Just saying! It helps get rid of the starch, and avoids rice turning into a horrendous mush. 

Portion Sizes for Dummies and Good Eggs 

For people used to cooking for families and, say, four people, it can be hard to adjust to solo cooking. Nina and her flatmate made fettuccine carbonara as one of their first meals and cooked all their ingredients, fettuccine, bacon and all to create a monster-sized portion of carbonara. Despite this experience, Nina still advises “measuring with your heart”. Personally, my heart says dumb shit sometimes and I can end up with both bad decisions and too much sauce in my cooking. The latter is a problem I have solved, I just add flour to reduce the liquid in my cooking and make it thick af. 

They key takeaway here is utilise that empty freezer space. As Emma summarised, “Make more than one serving. You never know when your schedule will get busy. You’ll wish for an easy frozen or fridge meal that you can whip up in the microwave and not have to eat instant two-minute noodles for the fifth time that month.” Don’t be afraid to add some extras to your two-minute noodles either. Live a little, uni is all about experimentation anyway. I like adding a poached egg to mine. I know *fancy*. To get great poached eggs I put salt and a capful of white vinegar in water on medium heat (don’t boil it). Stir the water and add an egg while the water is spinning and bam! You’ve got a good egg. 

Storage is key 

Things you should be keeping in your pantry: Garlic, onions, potatoes, hard squashes.  

Things you should be keeping on your benchtop: Tomatoes, basically any kind of fruit.  

Things you should be keeping in your pantry: The rest of the veges.  

Oh, and root vegetables last longer than the more fragile veg. If you’re buying herbs, wrap them up in a slightly damp paper towel.  

Know Your Food Now – Avoid Looking Stupid in the Future 

I once heard one of my intermediate teachers say “a potato isn’t a vegetable, it’s a carbohydrate”. Not only does that show stupidity has no age (she was not in her twenties) but could also explain why some of us are so hopeless in the kitchen. When it comes to cooking, there’s always something out there and some food that you don’t know what to do with. Let’s be honest though, in most cases it is a vegetable. Even long-time vegans/vegetarians like Emma have had trouble with veggies like spring onions. She “had no idea what to do with them and they went off in [her] fridge”. You can use both the white and green parts of spring onion and it’s used mainly in stir-fries, salads and as a garnish. Hot tip: A bread knife can make cutting soft and juicy fruit/veggies easier, for example, the tomato. Ash claims leeks are her particular downfall, saying “I was cooking all the hard green parts and threw away all the good light green parts… I was using the wrong part of the vegetable.” 

Scramble egg whites in the pan first, then touch the yolk 

Listen, it makes for a particularly moist scramble. Just chuck an egg in the pan, gently start stirring the whites until they start gaining colour. Then, pop the yolk and cook it for the last 30 seconds of the cook. Trust me. 

Finally, it’s Trial and Error 

Making mistakes is ok. If you’re not burning the house down, you’re making progress. Your cooking journey is a marathon not a sprint. Ash said, “the first time I made mashed potatoes, I left the water in because I thought that’s how it gets mashed”. Then she had to scoop out sopping wet potatoes with a spoon out of some milky-looking water (after this, I wondered if potato milk is a thing, and it is. Look it up, I dare you.) It pays to branch out a bit too; life is short, eat dragon fruit, try a cooking technique that sounds French like sauté, pureé… baguette. I don’t fucking know, I saw Ratatouille once. If you don’t want to get creative with cooking that’s fine too. Just try not to poison yourself and your flat, then you’ll be fine.