Massey Millionaires
Massey University makes $25 Million in profits - what would you do with that much pūtea?
Disclaimer: This information comes from an anonymous source at Massey University. The profits are currently unaudited, but the audited result is expected to be similar.
It’s sometimes difficult to fathom that universities are for-profit organisations. It’s starting to make sense why you have to fork out $8,000 for courses you’ll forget in less than a year, or why you still have to pay this cost when courses have been restricted by Covid-19 - but that’s a whole other story entirely.
It’s come to Massive’s attention that the Massey University Group has recorded an unaudited profit of over $25M during the 2021 financial year. Even with Covid-19 ravaging the student experience, the University has still managed to ring every last dollar from your feeble little wallets. Is this a surprise? Not really. At the end of the day, Massey University is another business, and although you may gain a qualification at the end of your 3-5 years, you will certainly have to shell out a pretty dime for it.
Since we know the University would only spend a tiny fraction of that money on students, I thought I’d ask your student associations what they would do with $25M in their pockets. The answers probably won’t shock you…
MUSA
MUSA really said fuck it, let’s cover ALL the bases. Marla, President of MUSA, alongside MUSA’s Head of Operations, have presented a generous spread of solutions that need to be funded now, and a whopping amount of purchases that would make time on the Manawatū campus an absolute rager. I love the ambition, and I can shamelessly say this is the first time I’ve ever felt jealous of the Palmy campus.
What we need right now:
• A fully funded, free childcare service for all students with children
• Increasing the allotted money for grants, and the grant amount limit
• Funding laptops for students that need them
• Free N95 masks and RAT tests for all!
• Making a MUSA scholarship
What we want right now:
• Hire personal MUSA Chefs that hand out free lunches each day on the concourse (with all dietary requirements included
• Monthly rages with awesome local bands and artists
• Buy our building off of Massey. Then use the space downstairs for a café, a food hub, a movie theatre… an indoor pool? We could attach hydro-slides to the building to go from above level 2
• A light rail system for the Manawatu Campus
• Develop of a petting zoo to replace the closing Rainbow Springs :(
• An on-site brewery and ‘entertainment quarter’
• Purchase the Paeroa ‘L&P Bottle’ and Ohakune ‘Carrot’
for permanent display in the MUSA Lounge (oh, and a larger lounge.)
ASA
I don’t have enough room to give full commentary on this, but ASA Co-Presidents Ben and Michaela really have y’all backs. Below is a pleasantly well written response by them.
25 million dollars. To 99% of the population that’s an unfathomably large number. 25 million dollars is 25 million medium frozen cokes, or enough frozen cokes to last a year (if you can drink 68,000 of them per day that is). Here at the ASA we don’t want to buy 25 million medium frozen cokes, we would use the money to encourage students to spend more time on campus. As most of you may know, the Albany Campus has recently lost our on-campus bar, this would be one of the first things we would do if we had that sweet 25 million worth of student’s money. Make a student bar large enough to host all manner of activities that students want. From your weekly post-lecture $15 jug of beer to the largest toga parties ever recorded.
We would invest in sleep pods so our students could power nap between lectures and hooning those $15 jugs of beer. Say goodbye to those Gucci bags you’ve got under your eyes and hello to serenity. What’s better than a refreshing nap after years’ worth of sleep deprivation? We would host garden parties on the grassy knolls outside SNW. Imagine kicking back with a cheeky bevvy in the sun while you read some quality columns in Massive.
Lastly, we would finally get some decent food on campus. No more Food for Thought, with their overpriced, half assed meals and sandwiches. I’m talking mouth-watering burgers, delightful deli meats, pasta, potatoes any way you want them (potato fritters slap so hard, amiright?)! As students, we need fuel for our lectures and late nights. As a fellow foodie, my heart breaks every time I see one of you sorry souls destroying your tastebuds with their food. Let’s support the locals by bringing our hospo heroes on campus and celebrating glorious food. Cheeky plug goes out to my partner who cooks the dopest smoked meats as well as home-made BBQ sauce and YumYum sauce. Check out Mum’s Brew Kitchen to see when we’re next in your hood.
MAWSA (Massey Wellington Student Association)
You know your student association is looking out for your best interests when they respond with eight suggestions after I only asked for three. Fiona and Lizzo from MAWSA, are women of the people. Covid-19 relief, free shit for students, hell, they’re even looking out for our mental health. Pop off MAWSA, I’d trust you with my hard-earned money.
• Care packages for isolating student. This includes masks, RATs (if possible), Panadol, Strepsils, and information about self isolating/ Covid-19 preventions methods
• Free lunches/ BBQs for students
• Free buses for students from the train station to Massey
• Industrial gcomposter and hire more people for a Wellington sustainability team this would change the infrastructure of Massey waste disposal system
• Massey should get more counsellors
• MAWSA would get itself a convenience store with books/stationery and cafe
• Free parking for students
• Sustainable period products
MASSIVE
This was a fun one - what would I do with $25M? When asked this question my mind instantly darted towards being a menace. I understand the importance of charity, and I’m sure I would donate a decent amount, but let’s just imagine the money is solely for yours truly.
Firstly, I would fund the student magazine to create a larger scale operation. I would increase the number of contributors, the number of page sizes, and overall, the quality of Massive Magazine. Massive is a gateway for students looking to break into journalism and design. I know how hard it is for students to get that first job out of university, so that would be my first port-of-call.
Secondly, I would shout Massive BYOs each week. Staff would only have to bring themselves, and an $8 bottle of wine - I’ll supply the rest.
Lastly, and where the bulk of my money would go, is paying my team more than living wage. These writers are genuinely hard workers, and a bit more pūtea in their pockets would go a long way. If you haven’t already noticed this is another shameless promo on why you should enquire about contributing to Massive Magazine in 2022. If we indeed are magically gifted a fat wad of $25M within the next two weeks. I will commit to these promises x