Finding Love as a Sex Worker

“He asked if he could watch me fuck my clients and talked about how unbelievably horny, he would get when I went to work.” 

Full-service escort, Roxy*, started sex work in her second year of studying Psychology at Massey University and hasn’t looked back. Sex work means that she can manage university and her finances with ease. She loves the theatre of it all, dressing up and prancing around in front of someone that doesn’t even know her real name. 

But while she loves her job, dating as a sex worker is another story. Until she fell in love.  

Roxy shares horror stories about dating in her profession. It was a dark cold hike through the hills of Hinge before she could sit, breathe, and love with her partner.  

Her first nightmare was James*. Roxy started seeing him through Hinge and was upfront about her sex work on the second date, which she uses as a rule for safety. James reacted as well as ever by saying he was completely fine with it and even enthused.  

But after two months of seeing each other, his intentions unraveled. 

James requested to watch her sleep with clients. Roxy mimicked the disgust on her face when opening these messages. Her honesty had been weaponised against her for his cuckold fantasy. She also felt that he seemed far too comfortable asking her to be overly kinky in the bedroom and attributed it to his perception of her work.  

In another instance, Roxy's close friend William*, confessed his love for her whilst they powdered their noses in the bathroom one night. Roxy giggled and explained that he couldn’t handle dating a sex worker. In a coke-haze he exclaimed his admiration for the job and how he truly appreciated the hustle. Regardless, she just wasn’t that into him. Eventually, William retaliated...  

Not long after, Roxy was on a Hinge date with Lucas*, and because of her second-date-rule, said she was a cleaner. The two ended up at her place, laying together in bed after some pretty forgettable sex.  

She’ll never forget when Lucas confessed that he actually knew exactly who she is and her job the whole time. He was William’s flatmate, and he had warned Lucas off Roxy because of her job. Roxy lay there, staring at the ceiling in distress. Lucas broke the silence, “Would you be into doing knife play?”  

William flipped from supporting her work to outing her for leverage. Not to mention, Lucas completely lied about his knowledge of Roxy until after they’d had sex. “William* completely used it against me. I felt betrayed and beyond angry.”  

After these experiences, Roxy felt burnt out from dating. She wondered: “Do I have to pick? Work or love?”  

After taking a break from the dating scene, Roxy tried getting back out there. That’s when she meet George*.  

Anything but a nightmare, George was a cheeky Scottish guy who was only in Aotearoa for another two weeks. This was perfect, the two could enjoy their date with no repercussions about Roxy’s job.  

After drinking, laughing, and teasing at a rooftop wine bar they went back to Roxy’s place, “and then he didn’t leave my side for two weeks”.  

They were completely inseparable. As a connection formed and feelings intensified, Roxy decided to tell George about her work.  

At first, there was a bit of confusion about the parameters, as Scotland’s laws don’t exactly match Aotearoa’s complete decriminalisation of sex work. Roxy swiftly educated George, and once he understood that she was safe and happy in the industry he truly didn’t mind.  

George’s laid-back reaction was the perfect scenario. Others were overly eager, faked progressiveness, or straight up lied. “George* also never expected anything from me in bed, in fact I was a total nervous pillow princess when we started sleeping together. I’m really breaking stereotypes.”  

Their relationship developed quickly. They decided to throw dating faux pas out the window and dive into a full-fledged serious commitment so that they could wholly enjoy their time together.  

To make this work though, they needed to set boundaries around Roxy’s job.  

Firstly, they decided that anything that Roxy wears in the bedroom at work, she wouldn’t wear in the bedroom at home. She bought a lingerie set for work, but George ended up loving it, so it went in the ‘For George’ section of her drawers. They created a rule with the same basis for dirty talk, “I won’t say to him what I say to my clients, it feels performative.”  

On another occasion, the pair wanted to go to Roxy’s workplace and have some fun on a drunken night out. I'm sure you can imagine, the sex toy closet is quite endless. In the end, the pair decided against it to keep their sex completely separate from her clients.  

While the couple were supposed to have their fun and then part ways, but they fell head over heels. 

It turns out, Roxy didn’t need to pick between work and love. With the right person, Roxy could have both. This level of understanding can be rare for sex workers, “The job definitely weeds out a huge amount of people”. So, when you find the love you deserve, you hold on.  

Roxy smiles as she says she has a flight booked to Scotland in May.  

*Names changed for anonymity