If Birth Control Were People
Contraception is painful, expensive and time-consuming. It makes you fat, sore, irritable and sad. You can only imagine that if they existed among us as peers, they’d be fucking annoying and most likely a toxic friend. But some are less hard on us than others, so since I shitpost for a living, I thought I’d spend my working day personifying a selection of birth control methods and rating them out of 10.
Copper IUD
The Copper IUD personified would be a pain in the ass (just like it’s a pain in the cervix). Just like she drags your period out, she makes everything harder than it needs to be. As one of the only non-hormonal forms of birth control out there, she’s a cold bitch with no emotion and says things like, “Oh you guys are dating now? He used to hit me up all the time :)”. She’s a notorious story topper, waiting for her turn to talk rather than actually listening to you. She’s ‘focusing on herself at the moment’ even though she secretly desperately wants a boyfriend, and will shame you for spending time with your own boyfriend because she’s jealous.
Condom
Manifested as a person, the condom would be THAT sleazy guy that is notorious for hovering behind girls in Mish Mosh and The Daily. Ironically, he tells you that condoms don’t fit him and it just feels soooo much better raw :( However, he hasn’t had one crumb of pussy since he lost his virginity to the weird German exchange student in high school. He wears Kustom or DC shoes and wide leg jeans that are too long so the hem frays at the bottom and gets wet (oh man I nearly retched imagining that). He’s out of touch, so despite the unironic sneans combo he thinks he’s God’s gift to women. He still actively uses Reddit, never opens his curtains and jerks off to Sailor Moon hentai religiously.
The Pill
If the pill was a person we KNOW she would be an emotional drama queen (with an anxiety attachment style in relationships). On the flip side, The Pill exudes mum friend energy. She has empathy in spade loads and a constant supply of Panadol, tampons and lip balm in her bag. She’s always scared you’re not eating enough and will constantly offload her leftovers onto your plate, and then tell you that you look great and most definitely have not gained any weight :) She also has a string of failed relationships to her name because she’s constantly in and out of mood swings.
Pull Out Method
I’ve executively decided that the Pull Out Method would most definitely be a dude. Half his personality is defined by laziness, often missing assignment deadlines altogether and forgetting his sister’s birthday every year. But the Pull Out Method also gets off on gaslighting women and exclusively shopping at Emporium. He strokes your hair and compares your vagina to an orchid, then leaves you on delivered for ten days. He also invited you to a party once and then pretended not to notice you, only to Snapchat you after you left saying, “You looked cute tonight :) why didn’t u come and say hi :(“
Depo Provera Injection
The Depo Provera Injection as a girl would be super onto it. She’s smart (probably a science major), wakes up at the same time every day and has the university wall planner in her room. She lives for new stationery, sits at the front of the lecture theatre and wears blue light glasses. Don’t get me wrong, she can be an absolute piss monster but knows her boundaries and wouldn’t be caught dead sending a ‘Did u go to town? Wyd?’ snapchat at 3AM to her deadbeat ex.