DIY your high

For when desperate times call for desperate measures.

Everyone loves a good bong - or pipe; we don’t discriminate here. Sure, papers are hot and sexy, but they’re never around when you really need them. However, the question remains: can we evolve beyond simple glass and wood? Can we, as humans, reach a meta-level of blazing? Can we dare to dream? Will Seth Rogan finally answer my Instagram DMs? Will he?? 

So, in the spirit of thorough journalism, Massive conducted a very scientific experiment to see what weird shit we can smoke weed out of. From onions to sex toys, boy do we have answers for you. By the end of it all, we were so high that we made some questionable creations, don’t try this at home. Well try some of them, but there are a few in here that should never have existed in the first place. 

The Basic: Apple Pipe 

Aight kids you know where this is going, you have an apple, you have a pen, uhhhh apple pipe… Smash a couple holes in an apple and now you’ve got a usable (and munchable) pipe. Look, we know students don’t tend to have actual fruits available around the place. If you cared about your health, I get the feeling you might not be filling your lungs with buds and chop but here we are. 

Smoking out of an apple was an enjoyable experience, ngl. It felt homely, yet surprising, like a dildo that you weren’t expecting to fit but well, fits. The pull was decent, and the taste delicious. Just make sure you have a gauze handy or you’ll be munching on burnt buds as well. If I’m honest, our apple was a little bit moist, so not ideal for weed, but a nice dry Granny Smith will go a long way. 

 8/10 Reliable, cheap as chips, crunchy. 

The Bender: Banana Pipe 

Okay a lil’ more niche here but much easier to punch holes in. Plus, it’s a chuckle. Stabbing holes and cutting chunks out of a banana can get a bit messy, but if you’re willing to put up with the clean-up and need a quick cone it’s worth it for that sweet, sweet banana aftertaste. 

Smoking out of a banana was grubby and sticky. It felt forbidden, like using your flatmate’s vibrator. It technically does the job, but God, morally it shouldn’t. The whole time I was petrified that the structure would collapse around me, and I would be left with molten, hot banana. That didn’t happen but the anxiety lingered. 

If you want to smoke from something phallic that tastes much better than the real thing then the banana pipe is for you. We just hope for your sake you’ve got a wet wipe handy. Or two. 

6/10 Bit weird, bit messy, tastes pretty damn good though. 

Ol' Reliable: Can Cone 

Big nighter or all nighter, one thing we’re sure you’ll have around the flat is cans. Stab a couple holes and crush the can and you’ve got yourself a pipe. If you can handle the taste of burning paint, stickers, and aluminium then you can’t go wrong. 

After the banana filth, I was grateful for a clean and shiny surface. The hit was good, a little too good if you ask me. I took another hit and reflected on the long linage of can-cones. Was I finally a breather? Started googling Huffer vests. When I was done with the can, I wanted to carry it to a club just to lob it over the heads of some freshers, but feverishly restrained myself. 

Overall, make that ridiculously expensive Red Bull go a little further for your money. The dairy down the road doesn’t sell it for $4.20 for nothing, they know exactly what you’re going to use it for. This is your moment, caffeine, nicotine AND weed all from one can? An energy drink and a chop cone from the same place will always serve you well. 

7/10 Classic but stooping pretty low for your lungs.

Night Vision: Carrot 

This one was a bit tricky. Bit hard, brittle, and cracked a bit when we poked a hole in it. It worked in the end but you had to hold the crack in the carrot closed or lose half your cone. Could be better, there wasn’t enough carrot to munch on without getting the taste of burnt weed. 

Smoking was nerve-wrecking, but soothingly phallic. It’s so smooth, the wrinkles so deep. By this stage I was fucked so I was probably just hyperventilating and stroking a carrot, but it felt so much more than that, you know? Pondered over Wallace and Gromit, until I remembered that they liked cheese, not carrots. But then remembered the Curse of the Were-Rabbit movie, which was in fact carrot-heavy. Felt pleased, until I remembered I was still holding the carrot pipe. 

Oh, and the worst thing about this pipe? It’s so fucking awkward to put down. It just kept rolling and tipping the weed out. Awful. Smoke until done and then dispose of immediately. 

4/10 It works but it’s harder than it needs to be. 

The punisher: Onion Doobie 

At this point you must be desperate. Yes, you can roll a doobie with an onion skin, no it doesn’t stay closed so you’ll have to tape it shut, yes it makes your eyes water, and no I don’t recommend this one. 

Trying to skin an onion without cracking the thing beyond recognition is a difficult task. Onion skins, unlike doobie papers, do not have glue to stick it closed. So, add some plastic tape or the glue from papers to your list of ingredients. But seriously if you have papers on hand but still choose to use an onion skin there are bigger things to question here. 

Smoking papers with tape felt and looked terrible. The onion skin only made matters worse. It was flimsy and just, oh God, the smell. Burnt onions are terrible. Deeply reminiscent of your flatmates cooking. Just wished it would all stop. 

2/10 We did it so you don’t have to, shit sucks. 

The Banger: Pocket Pussy 

You better believe it. A jar, a pocket pussy and a metal straw. Shit’s wack. It works like a dream though, if you can stomach the thought of where it’s been. If you can afford one of these bad boys but not a bong then maybe re-check your priorities, or don’t. Good for you. 

Honestly though, this was so good. Or maybe it was just good in comparison to the onion, but at this stage I didn’t care. The smoke was clean and pure, the pocket pussy a steady companion to my hands. I felt invincible. I was smoking out of a fucking sex toy and I was so good at it. It was like my whole life had been leading up to this moment. 

At this point we’re just making shit because we can but goddamn, it’s an actual bong, it works. Let’s hope for your sake you’ve got some solid cleaning products on hand, because this isn’t something you’ll want to try without some thorough sanitation. Unless.... 

10/10 Just out of sheer disbelief that this worked.