I tried manifestation and all I got was another tempting request to start an OnlyFans
Halloween is as close as my need for $1000, so I delved into the craze of manifestation and rated modern-day witchcraft-things so that you don’t have to!
As per the internet, with my intent of gaining $1000, I followed the 5 laws of manifestation:
1. Know what you want
2. Rid the things that will stand in the way of what you want
3. Envision what you want
4. Get cracking with what you want
5. Be grateful for getting what you wanted
With these in mind, my manifestation began, and my Trade Me account had a handful of $1 reserve items ready for the universe to do its thing. While that manifested, here’s what else I tried…
Crystals – in water bottles
I keep my pretty crystals on my windowsill charging under the moon to keep my hippie Nana happy, but really, I don’t know what they do specifically other than vibrate and look colourful.
For a while I kept getting those expensive fucking water bottles with crystals sitting in them targeted at me on Instagram… so I made my own DIY by plopping my crystals into the free Massey water bottle I stole at the start of my degree. How’s that for a student-budget-friendly aura-cleanse eh?
I drank my water like this for a day and can’t say I felt anything too remarkable aura-cleansing-wise, but my bowels did receive a refreshing cleanse the next morning, perhaps that was from the spicy tacos consumed at the previous meal?
Rating: 2/10 bikinis-that-just-cover-the-clit Instagram adverts
Tarot cards
I sat down with my alty Nana to give me a reading. I was not expecting the emotional afternoon that came about when these cards EXPOSED ME. Current situation (for context) – I am leaving my home city of Auckland to move to Wellington soon and I hadn’t told poor ol’ Nana yet. You wouldn’t fucking believe what card I pulled… “Get ready for the big move ahead, the city you need to be in awaits, this is where your heart will be and succeed in the near future.” Needless to say, I broke the news after the confusion as to why that card came up on my table.
Rating: 8 carrots out of 10 tarots
Crystals – as dildoes
This caught my attention when I was doing some research this week, and wowie a pink crystal penis is definitely one of the prettiest penises I’ve ever seen. I didn’t get to try one, but I understand how this could work regarding the certain vibrations crystals naturally have. Is this the new natural contraception? Just masturbating with a naturally vibrating crystal penis? Revolutionary!
(Disclaimer: I don’t think a natural buzz will vibrate as much as you’d want/need it to (for reference the crystals on my windowsill don’t bounce up and down)).
Rating: 20/10 if they vibrate substantially. 10/10 if they don’t (because they’re pretty).
Psychic/Medium/Clairvoyant
I went to one of these at the start of the year and it felt as though I paid $80 to hear what I subconsciously wanted to hear about my ex’s future looking grim for a good hour. So, for the confidence boost, I thought it was worth it to be honest. While she got his story correct, there was an array of inconsistencies with what she said would happen with me this year… mind you, none of us knew what we were in for this year. But then again, aren’t they meant to be able to predict that? Maybe I’m just being ignorant.
Rating: 7/10 $2.50 incense sticks
Spiritual healer
This was one buzzy experience… I’ll give you a wee backstory. Over my time as a semi-pro snowboarder I’ve had four surgeries to my knee, and I also broke my back which has seemingly resulted in chronic ovarian pain. I went to a spiritual healer’s office FULLY CLOTHED in winter woollies. The sweet old lady in her 70’s took one look at me and said, “Honey, that L1 (a piece of vertebrae) is gonna need some surgery, you have too many foreign objects in your knee and I can feel an energy block in your ovaries.” She got it ALL correct. My L1 was broken, my knee was riddled with pins and plates, and my ovaries were KILLING me. However, after waving her hands up and down me for two hours, I can’t say I noticed much of a positive difference to my body going forward.
Rating: 5/10 energy orgasms (google that shit, it’s crazy)
Salt lamps (I think these are witchcrafty?)
I got one gifted to me, never used it. 8 months later, I met my current boyfriend who has one glowing while we have sex in his bedroom. The subtle red mood-lighting that this lit-block-of-salt brings has taken my sexual experiences to a whole new level and I can honestly say that I am having the best sex of my life. It’s because of the lamp giving the hot’n’dirty red-light-district vibes. I leave mine on all the time, it keeps the boogie-man away and helps me relax. Did you know it’s a natural dehumidifier too? It also tastes like salt. Outstanding.
Rating: 100/10 reignited sex lives
Ouija boards
I don’t fuck with these and nor should you… I watched the exorcist at age 12 while wearing my first ever white G-string, do I need to say anymore? For your undies and soul’s safety please don’t touch.
Rating: N/A
Back to the manifestation, I haven’t made $1000 this week but I did make $200 on Trade Me so for that I will thank the universe. However, as per the title, I did receive another slimy message to start an OnlyFans which has since been declined… Maybe that was my chance to make the extra $800?