I hate craft beer And you should too.
Pyramid schemes, NFTs, paying for your own Netflix and craft beer.
This is a list of industrial scams that I am acutely aware of. There are many artisan industries that I could choose to aim at during my time as Massive Magazine Editor, but I have elected to store my bullet and aim fire at craft breweries because I just hate them (and this is the drug and alcohol edition, so kinda topical).
I hate their stupid names. “Yeastie Boys”, “Dirty Water”, “Stag Semen Stout.” I can’t tell if the industry is taking the piss, or if breweries have gotten away with the most elaborate scam of our generation, but they certainly sell.
I hate the way they attempt to hoodwink the oblivious student into thinking that the meek, fizzy liquid actually tastes good. I once ordered a craft beer at a bar and the tasting notes referred to wheat, gooseberry and mango marmalade.
Thinking back on this moment, all I can say is well played you bastards. I honestly wouldn’t know what wheat, let alone gooseberry, tastes like normally. But you expect me to pick out these flavours when all I'm thinking about is how outrageously expensive and pompous this drink is???
Setting aside all that complete and utter pretentious bullshit, we arrive at the dichotomy that lies at the heart of craft beer. Or indeed, craft anything…but as I said before, I am angry, and going after the beer crowd. The word ‘craft’ implies care and attention. You know, images of a small pot of beer lovingly made in a cottage overlooking the sea. Most of all, craft implies scarcity and an exclusive supply.
My nana makes scones that are, I suppose, ‘craft scones’, but she wasn’t a fool, or a scammer, and therefore they were just plain old scones.
You see, craft beer is essentially toying with the classics. For example, Game of Thrones tried getting too tricky, and the classic series ended up shit creek without a paddle.
And what ties up the ribbon on craft beer's downfall is the un-student-like culture it has brought upon our country. For God's sake, when you’re enjoying a beverage, you want to talk to your friends about their shit lives, shit jobs and how much they are struggling. Craft beer is a conversation, which really gets to the heart of the matter: I don’t want to have a conversation about my drink, I want to have a conversation with one in my hand. This whole social revolution gives me flashbacks to when all that people would talk to me about at party’s was the lime green Vodka Cruiser in my hand – haters.
My editorial space isn’t long enough, but here are three other reasons craft beer sux:
Costs a lot.
Craft beer snobs are the worst (similar to wine snobs).
It makes me feel stupid when I can't tell the difference between an IPA and an APA.
Students of Massey, If I could make one simple request, that would be that you never fawn over craft beer. Go to your local boozer and pick up your ol' faithful and call it a day. If you were looking for an Editor’s recommendation, my go to is Tui. Tui is cheap, it tastes like vegemite (trust me) and it keeps one of Aotearoa’s native birds in the limelight. If that isn’t the simplicity and utter iconicness that we should all be looking for in our beverage of choice, then I frankly, do not know what is.
Fuck craft beer,
Mason