I Had an Orgy in Grandma’s Room

I had an orgy in Grandma’s room. I figured we would get the morally rotten detail out of the way. After a game of truth or dare spiralling into what it always became - a poorly written episode of Degrassi - the sexual drives of about 7/10 teenagers really took hold and the situation unravelled from there. Now, it's not like we immediately went, ‘Let’s have an orgy’, but rather it was an unfortunate domino effect of poor choices (much like the Fast and Furious series).

Not everyone at this party was sexually driven, therefore some were merely watching a movie in the lounge or chilling in my room. Two of the girls had begun to very much enjoy each other’s company but did not appreciate the viewing party, opting to boost up to the guest bedroom to “move furniture”.

Following this, in an unforeseen but completely on brand turn of events, I had begun making out with the dude I really wanted to sleep with and the ex-girlfriend I never really resolved anything with. You may be thinking “what the fuck?”, but be rest assured, I was also thinking “what the fuck?”. Making out with two people at once seems to work so practically in pornos but lord was it a journey.

As company and I were getting increasingly handsy, someone else shouted across the lounge to “get a room!” (fair point). So, that’s what we did. Now our options were limited as there were people in my room, most of the major spots in the house had cameras operating on account of my paranoid parents - despite living in the most Caucasian neighbourhood - and the guest room was occupied by those two girls. This leaves my parents’ room, which felt far too weird to have a threesome in on account of it being plastered in family photos and my parents belongings; my sisters room, which I knew I would be scalped if even a pillow had been de-fluffed; and, finally, Grandma’s room.

To get some insight into my reasoning, the old bitch’s manz died a good decade ago (bless him) so I doubt she knew what sex smelt like anymore, she was staying at my uncle’s that week and I didn’t like her that much anyway. As for a threesome with your ex, I mean unresolved attachment issues have a tendency to pop up when you’re drunk and there is no faster gratification than sex; or so my therapist tells me.

So, the three of us boost up the stairs and into the bedroom. We start getting it on and, honestly, wasn’t half bad as much as our drunk asses could tell, and then we hear a knock. “Who the fuck could it be?” I thought, slightly preoccupied. The girls had become bored next door and kept knocking until we opened the door. They then joined in. This truly was a porno and a half, and my dead grandpa would either be appalled or impressed from whichever concept of afterlife you choose to abide by.

I’ve always been aware of inclusivity in threesomes and how an individual always gets slightly left out and therefore you need to maintain attention evenly. It’s like patting your head and rubbing your belly like the performative sex monkey you are. People were on the floor, on the bed, on each other (obviously) and, for the most part, it was fun. As fun and doomed as a drunk orgy with your friends can get. Eventually people tapped out and the sinful evening wrapped up. I merely hoped we would all never discuss this exchange again (ironic to be writing about it I know).

The family never found out, I cleaned up the alcohol; made the beds and grandma came back home. All's well that ends-

the fucking sheets.

Yours sincerely

The Tatted Twink