How to Cure the 2am Boredom
If you haven’t heard already, I’m deeply sorry you have to hear the news this way: Palmerston North’s clubs and bars will be closing an hour early at 2am. The heartbreak swiftly swept the student nation of Palmy, young people everywhere absolutely shattered at the thought of not being able to hear ‘Timber’ on repeat for an extra 60 minutes. Never fear! Massive is here to provide you with an abundance of options on how to entertain yourself for that extra hour, in hopes that it will ease the pain of a 2am close off your shoulders.
1) Refine your cooking skills
Use the free hour to really up your gourmet cooking expertise. It’s most likely that drunk you is going to be famished, and also more likely to be experimental (in the kitchen instead of the bedroom this time). Massive has a range of incredibly titillating recipes online and in our physical copies, just ready for your sexy self to master. Some of my personal favourites include Issue 10’s ‘Spicy Pork Noods’, Issue 1’s ‘Kombucha/Beer Crepes’ (works well if you were a sack and didn’t finish your box), and Issue 6’s ‘Weed Brownies’ for a tastier version of after-town cones. By the end of the year, you might as well slap on a big poofy hat, and call yourself a fucking chef.
2) Treat yourself to some cheeky online retail therapy
When you’re wasted, sometimes you convince yourself that your money is unlimited, right? I encourage you to ACT ON THAT SHIT. You and your mate drunkenly decided to start a cookie factory? Well, you best start exploring the net for the flashiest, funkiest cookie cutters you can find. Been inspired by Dua Lipa’s award looks lately and wish you could be her? BITCH, find the nearest replica and order that shit right now to wear to your next lecture. THERE IS SO MUCH POINTLESS, FUN SHIT TO BUY IN THIS WORLD. Blame it on your drunken ways and just go with it. Nothing beats a weekly package you forgot that you even ordered, it’s like a little surprise to yourself.
3) Go on Omegle and make new friends
Ahhh Omegle, an intriguing area of the internet where after you see your 11th unsolicited dick, you tend to call it a day. However, some of the most interesting, heartfelt conversations are the ones I’ve had drunk. The ones where you pour your heart and soul, and speak with the passion you could never muster up for speech assessments in high school English. Flirt, overshare, laugh, and share some wholesome chats with a bunch of strangers cos why the fuck not? Your soulmate could be on the other side of that screen! Just make sure it’s not the one flashing his penis.
4) Keep drinking???
Lol as if the Palmy City Council really thinks that closing an hour early is gonna stop us from continuing the party at home. Odds are you can’t afford drinks in town, so the buzz is most likely to have worn off by 2am. All the more reason to grab Macca’s on your way home, settle back into your messy pre-drinks area, and KEEP SINKING PISS. In fact, invite as MANY people as you can to join you. Make it loud and rowdy as fuck!!! Show the Council that they won’t be putting a stop to your shenanigans anytime soon.
5) 2am Bullrush in the Square
To my understanding, as soon as the 2am curfew sets in, ‘Bullrush in the Square’ is all-go to take place on a weekly basis. Maybe you need to let off some steam. Maybe you need a good outlet for all that pent-up sexual energy inside of you, cos you were too scared to flirt with that hot girl you always see in the Daily. Whatever your reasons may be, it’s expected to be a fuckton of fun. Instead of being one of those fuckwits who starts fights outside the clubs, just channel that energy into a cheeky game of Bullrush. Fairplay, not fists, my dude.
6) Journal your innermost drunk thoughts
Dedicate the extra hour to letting out all your thoughts and emotions. Let it all out onto the page in a stream of consciousness, and then read it the next morning hungover as fuck. Yes, you may cringe so much, it physically hurts. But who knows? There could be MASSIVE potential in those drunken entries. You could turn that shit into a tell-all book and sell it if it’s entertaining enough. At the very least, it’s a cool collection to keep for the years to come. If you ever feel bad about yourself, just go back to the journal entries for an instant confidence boost.
In my own humble opinion, I think the 2am closing is a bunch of bullshit. Will it prove any efficiency in decreasing late night violence? Will it encourage students to go home earlier and stop drinking? I’m gonna take a wild guess and say probably not. Nonetheless, I hope these activity suggestions get you by during these tough times. Also, if anyone is keen on hosting after-parties once town closes, pls hmu ily x