How It’s Made: A Day in the Life of the Massive Magazine Editor

Kia ora! Do you love all things Massive? Are you a slut for shitposting and covering important issues? Want to oversee an awesome team of staff and volunteers? Well, look no further! Applications are open for Massive’s 2022 Editor. It’s a full-time paid position where you can nap on the sofa as much as you want, as long as you get the magazine out each week. Check out Seek or our Facebook page for more details xx  

In the meantime, read below for a sneak peek at an intimate look of our editor’s schedule. You, too, could one day fuck up the crosswords! Dream big! 

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11:09am: Wake up, filled with immediate self-loathing. 

11:10am: Scroll on phone for hour. Mostly just rewatch SNL skit of Elon Musk as Wario, vibrator on full blast. 

12:15pm: Say “Fuck, I haven’t posted anything yet!” and hurriedly link a shit news story on Massive’s Facebook page. It will get zero likes. This may or may not be your Joker origin story. 

12:30pm: Dry shampoo hair and eat first bagel of the day. It will not be your last. 

12:45pm: Get into the office. Lie and pretend like you’ve been working from home all morning. Hope that shit Facebook post will help corroborate your story. 

1:30pm: Stop by shit university café. There will be tension (sexual?) between you and the café employees, mainly because you keep dragging the food publicly, but yet continue to eat there every day. It’s a love-hate relationship. Like Princess Peach and Wario from the Elon Musk SNL skit. You try not to blush too much as you order a reheated sausage roll. 

1:45pm: Notice some kids reading Massive in the library. Try not to be too weird around them. Act cool. Insert meme of the “they don’t know” guy standing in the corner at a party. 

1:56pm: Make another Facebook post. Wish you knew what love was. 

2pm: Spend an hour doing a deep dive into Massey’s chicken wing statue. Why was it built? What purpose does it serve? Does it have to be so goddamn sexy? This is some Pulitzer-prize-winning journalism here, folks. Come to the conclusion that it may have been built by aliens. Were those aliens sexy? Spend another hour googling, with no conclusive results. Probably only cute, not sexy, then. 

4pm: Take a huge shit in the bathroom. Take a photo of it and plan with designer how best to incorporate it into the magazine. Is it a cover? A centrefold? 

4:20pm: Write four-page story about said huge shit, to justify its inclusion in the magazine. Really dig deep into your childhood, use some quotes by current therapist. Make a “just like my ex-boyfriend haha!” joke at the end and try not to cry. 

4:51pm: Awkwardly stand around the hallways asking students for comment on exec news that, frankly, no one cares about. Wish you had better things to do. Google “jobs at Salient”. 

5pm: Try and communicate with Fergus the Ram via ouija board. Yes, he passed away. This is in the Fergus the Ram canon. If you follow along with his adventures, you might remember other shenanigans such as “Fergus the Ram gets cancelled for distasteful Twitter joke” and “Fergus the Ram has existential crisis after developing food poisoning at a local Burger King”. Rest in peace, dear friend. His spirit is very unsettled tonight. He clearly has unfinished business here. 

5:24pm: Attempt to write crosswords but immediately black out as the spirit of Shaggy from Scooby Doo enters your body. Wake up to nonsense scrawled across the page. Think “looks good!” and hit publish. 

6:01pm: Eat another bagel. Delicious! 

6:02pm: Time to call it a day, boys. Just another day at the office, eh? Not bad. Not bad at all.