Horoscopes - 16 May
Capricorn
Babe, we are all SO proud of your fitness lifestyle. But your flatmates told me that if you bring it up during pres one more time you’ll be kicked out.
Drink of the week: Pre-workout and vodka.
Aquarius
Try getting ready for the night a bit earlier this week, Aquarius. It will take the pressure off and mean you’re less likely to play catch up only to fuck out first.
Drink of the week: Piña colada
Pisces
The stars tell me you will be the main target of the coin game at the next BYO. Only fill your glass up halfway, to avoid getting tragic and embarrassing yourself in public.
Drink of the week: $9 bottle of pinot gris
Aries
It’s always important to have a good referee during a beer pong match, but Aries, you need to relax a bit. Please don’t get your ruler out again this weekend. And stop screaming elbows. It’s not that deep.
Drink of the week: Passionfruit Crusier
Taurus
It’s Taurus season, baby! Put on your sexiest outfit, grab your hottest friends, and go out on the town! Be warned, Taurus, birthday privileges only get you so far … don’t get tragic.
Drink of the week: Espresso martini
Gemini
Be careful this week, Gemini. The stars are warning me that alcohol will have the same effect as a truth elixir for you. Try to keep your lips sealed when you drink.
Drink of the week: Shot of tequila
Cancer
Know your limits. Your mates can only put up with so many deep convos when you’re on the piss. Try to have some fun, Cancer!
Drink of the week: Frozen margarita
Leo
The world doesn’t revolve around you, Leo. Don’t hog the karaoke stage again like you did last time. It’s annoying.
Drink of the week: Humble tea
Virgo
Material girl! You have a tendency to buy all your mates drinks when you’re pissed and your wallet is not thriving – ease up. You know your mates are never gonna return the favour.
Drink of the week: Lemon, lime and bitters with vodka
Libra
You’re getting way too in your head about which party to go to this weekend. Just chill out, go with the flow, and live in the moment. Both parties will be shit anyways.
Drink of the week: Kingfisher
Scorpio
Scorpio you are glowing this week!! The dilfs and milfs will be attracted to you like a moth to a flame. Top tip: CBD, 6pm, boujeest bar you can find. That’s where the sugar daddies will be.
Drink of the week: Bubbles (bought by an old rich dude)
Sagittarius
DO NOT TEXT YOUR EX ON THE PISS. It’s been kind of cute in the past, but your ex has moved on! Their new flame will not take kindly to your ‘u up?’ messages.
Drink of the week: Martini with a twist