Horoscopes (vol. 17)
Aries: You’re holding back and everyone knows it. You CAN slut-drop, you’re just afraid, and I’m not sure why (jk, I know everything). Go on, get a little low on the d-floor.
Drink of choice: Gin & Tonic, baby!
Taurus: Stop smoking weed whilst you’re drunk!! Remember the golden rule: Beer before grass and you're on your ass, grass before beer and you're in the clear. Learn it, live by it. Please.
Drink of choice: Pals
Gemini: Stop lying to yourself, those cheeky packs of cigarettes you consume on the piss DO add up. But fuck it, we don’t care, just stop lying to yourself babe and relax a little
Drink of choice: VB’s
Cancer: Watch out for BYOS and those coins. Your mates are getting craftier. Time to level up, bitch.
Drink of choice: Clearskin White Wine
Leo: You’re not as young as you once were, watch out for those pesky hangovers. Remember, always have a bottle of Powerade in your fridge (the blue kind is best, everyone knows that). You can thank me later x
Drink of choice: Scrumpy
Virgo: You WILL lose your eftpos card whilst out on the piss this week. Sorry mate. Better cancel that card now, start using cash instead. Or even better, the barter system!
Drink of choice: Corona
Libra: Stop dogging the boys. You’ve been on your ass watching shit all week now, go out this weekend. Yes, town is shit, but friends are magic.
Drink of choice: Ranfurly Drought
Scorpio: Drunk texting is the game, and your ex takes a starring role. Which, isn’t terrible, just as long as you know what you’re getting into.
Drink of choice: Part Time Rangers
Sagittarius: What a shame you keep passing out before the fun begins. Sure, go hard, but don’t go early. Take a nap before the next party, eat some dinner for once, please.
Drink of choice: Nitro
Capricorn: It will be a BIG week. Fucking hell. By the end of it you’ll just drinking to forget, if I’m completely honest.
Drink of choice: Straight fucking Vodka
Aquarius: This week you’ll have a lovely little time with your friends. Some piss, some cheese, what could be lovelier? Take lots of photos, celebrate these precious times :’)
Drink of choice: Cask red wine
Pisces: Remember: Tactical Voms are your friend. Listen, learn, repeat.
Drink of choice: Rum & Coke