Horoscopes (vol. 16)

Aries: I know you think that fun patterned socks make you seem cool. I know you THINK that, anyway, but listen here buddy.... 

Accessory of the week: Docs. 

Taurus: It’s nipple o’clock and it’s time to show off the ol’ raisins. Undo a button or two, that’s the spirit. #FreeTheNipple. 

Accessory of the week: Fedora. You heard me.  

Gemini: Listen, those jeans are tight but they could be tighter. Treat yourself to something that REALLY shows off your cooch.  

Accessory of the week: Friendship bracelets!!   

Cancer: Before you keep drunkenly asking your friends, I’m just going to say it: yes, you should get another piercing. Less questioning, more doing.  

Accessory of the week: Infected nose ring. 

Leo: You will suffer a horrible, embarrassing, life-changing wardrobe malfunction. Remember, scotch-tape is your best friend.  

Accessory of the week: “Fun” socks with little tacos on them. 

Virgo: Admit it: Your crush has a TERRIBLE sense of style! They’re hot but their wardrobe could be borrowed from Adam Sandler himself. You need to admit it to yourself before you can find any sense of acceptance for those cargo shorts.  

Accessory of the week: Slutty, slutty heels. 

Libra: Think hot, slutty vampire. A little bit of eyeliner, anyone??  

Accessory of the week: 90s choker. 

Scorpio: Maybe this week isn’t the best week to wear those white pants. Just...hear me out.  

Accessory of the week: Extra pair of underwear. 

Sagittarius: Comfortable shoes are a MUST this week. You’ll need to do lots of walking away from the assholes in your life.  

Accessory of the week: Crocs and socks. 

Capricorn: Tik Tok called and they want their outfit back. Stop getting sucked into trends, develop your own sense of style. Be daring, be adventurous!  

Accessory of the week: Teeny, tiny sunglasses. 

Aquarius: Stop buying so many oversized hoodies, you have enough. If you need anymore, just start stealing them from your hook-ups, it’s much cheaper.  

Accessory of the week: Headband à la Gossip Girl.  

Pisces: Whatever you’re wearing, you IMMEDIATELY need to make it sluttier. I want tits out, I want shorts so short I can see testicles. Hot girl spring is CALLING your name.  

Accessory of the week: Thong.