Horoscopes (vol 15)

Aries: You’ll meet the love of your life this week. Only one little thing though...they might be a bit older than you expect 😉  

Taurus: Toast is SO delicious - don't forget that!! I don’t know why I have to keep on reminding you of this. A little bit of butter, a little bit of salt, a little bit of toast: hey presto, dinner!  

Gemini: Break up with your long-term partner. It’s just not working. Sorry! Thank u, next x  

Cancer: Time to start sending horny messages on LinkedIn. Yep, it’s that time of year.  

Leo: Your room décor is looking tired and old. So 2019! Maybe...add some Massive centrefolds to spice things up? Idk....but what if?  

Virgo: Mmmmmm, email in sick to class. Mmmm, that’s delicious!  

Libra: Cough, cough! What’s that? Oh, it’s fresher flu szn, babe. You’re in for a serious case of the sniffles.  

Scorpio: Time to get addicted to a dumb lil phone game!! Maybe 2048? Candy Crush? The possibilities are endless! Tap, tap, tap!  

Sagittarius: Oh my, you horny bastard. Nice work and everything, but for the love of God, change your bedsheets.  

Capricorn: Someone needs to say it - your pasta actually fucking sucks. I know you’re all proud of it and shit, but it’s bad and the sauce isn’t thick OR creamy. Just...stop.  

Aquarius: Your primary school crush just got HOT! Time to look them up.  

Pisces: I think you look nice in hats. Wear more fun hats.