Horoscopes (vol 1)

Aries: 

We know you like to be direct. Don’t be shy - tell your flatmates that their passive-aggressive messages into the group chat are bullshit. Demand them to say it with their full chest, or to say nothing at all. 

Taurus: 
There’s no need to be so stubborn, baby. Just hang up the wet bath mat after you’re done showering. Yes, even if the flatmate you despise told you to. Do it for your own gratification.  

Gemini: 

Stop pouring your crackhead energy into fights with the flatties, and channel it into hosting fucking mean kick-ons instead. 

Cancer: 

No, your landlord’s slightly harsh tone during your flat inspection isn’t an excuse to sob in your room. Wipe those tears, and remember that everyone fucking hates landlords anyway. 

Leo:  

Have you EVER heard of being quiet during sex??? The entire flat doesn’t need to hear you preaching to the Lord with every one-night stand you bring home. Shut the fuck up. 

Libra:  

Even though your zodiac sign is literally represented by a symbol of scales, you’re the most unbalanced person in your current living situation. Put on some SZA and try to align your chakras, we’re all worried. 

Scorpio: 
Your flatmate will find your meticulous 6-month plan to ruin their life over a dirty dish left in the sink. Burn it now while you have the chance. 

Sagittarius: 

Don’t try to be fun and creative in the kitchen this week. You’re never satisfied, so you’re just gonna spend way too much money for nothing. Stick to your pasta and rice. 

Capricorn: 
Hey, it’s actually normal to show emotions. You don’t need to be mysterious 24/7, cos you’re so fucking hard to read and it’s exhausting. If you feel like having a good cry on the piss this Saturday, PLEASE just fucking do it so we know you’re not a robot. 

Aquarius: 

Invest in command strips this week. We get it, you’re edgy and you love The 1975. But, hanging up posters of them with Blu-tack all over your room means there’s no way you’re getting your flat bond back. If you wanna look quirky, just get a septum piercing or something. 

Virgo:  

Your crush will stop texting you back. You’ll hook up with a close friend and things will get awkward. Honestly, it’s going to be a wild week all round, just make sure to use protection. Or at the very least, some Gladwrap and a rubber band.  

Pisces:  

Go on, go order that burger on Uber Eats. Even if you’ve already Ubered maccas for breakfast! You deserve it. It’s hard being a Pisces. What a shit life. Go spend $24 on delivered food and wait for better days.