Finding My Whakapapa

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I te tau 2017(rua mano tekau mā whitu) ka ako ahau, kei te aha he pā, i roto i tōku tau tuarua o te ako i Ōtepoti. Kua titiro mai tōku hoa ki ahau me te whakararuraru āwara i runga i tōna kanohi.  

Kua mōhio ia ki tōku whakapapa, engari kaore ia i mōhio ki te wehenga o ahau ki tōku whakapapa 

Neke atu i te kotahi tau o taku hoahoa, ka kī ahau ko tāku ake whakapapa ko Kāi Tahu, nā, heoi anō, kāore koe e mōhio mā te titiro mai ki ahau, me rongo rānei i ahau e kōrero ana. 

He wahine ke ahau i tipu ake ai i Ahitereiria. He wahine i whanake i te reo Frankenstein-esque o Ahitereiria, te reo Kīwī, me tētahi mea e kore pea he tangata. 

Ki roto i tōku ngākau he Kīwī ahau, he pango, he hiriwa taku uruwhenua, me te whakahihi o tōku pōkaitahi whānau, i whakaatuhia kia whānau mai ahau i te hohipera Wahine o Ōtautahi. 

"Heoi ano, he whakamā ahau ki te kī i aku iwi ki ngā tāngata, engari ka whakamā ahau, kei a wai?" 

I roto i te whakapono katoa, ehara ahau i te mōhio. E kore ahau i mōhio ināianei tonu, e whitu ngā tau whakamuri i taku hoki mai ki taku whenua tupuna. 

Kāore ahau e taea te tohu he aha, engari kei te noho tonu te wehi i roto i ahau. 

I ētahi wā, ka rite te āhua o te patunga e pupuhi ana, i ētahi wā ka rite ki te mamae puhoi 

Ko ngā wā, e pai rawa atu, kahore ahau e mārama ana ki ngā mamae, engari ka mau tona ātārangi 

Kāore ahau e whakapono ka whiwhi whakatutuki tonu. 

I whakaaro ahau mō tētahi wā roa, nā te tae noa o taku kiri, ko te take o tōku whakararuraru. 

Ahakoa i tipu ake ana ahau i Ahitereiria, kāore i pārara taku kiri kāpara, e tino rite ana ki ngā wāhanga, pēnei taku whakapapa mai i Kōtirana me Ingarangi. 

Ahakoa ko te tae o taku kiri e whai tōna ana i taku whakararuraru, ehara tēnei i te mea i whakamōhiotanga i taku whakawehenga ki ahau anō ko te Māori. 

Ko te pito tino tata kua tae mai ahau ki tētahi whakautu, he uaua te whakamārama, engari e hiahia ana ahau ki te whakamatau. 

"I timata ahau i tēnei 'tuhinga roa' i te tekau mā rima ōku tau, e mate ana ki te whakarongo ki ngā tamariki o te kura e kī mai ana, 'kei te neke ngā kiwi ki Ahitereiria me te tango i ngā mahi katoa. 

I mate ahau i te rongonga i nga kohukohu ki te iwi Māori me te Kaupapa Whenua o Tiriti i te wā e whakanui ana te whenua o au i te āhua hōhae hōu, a kaore au i reira ki te wheako. 

Pērā i te tangata o waho e titiro ana ki roto, ka mātaki ahau i taku whānau ka timata te hono ano. 

Ko ngā wāhanga o tō tātou whānau i mau tonu i ā tātou tikanga, i hono anō ki ngā wāhanga kaore i mau. 

Ka tīmata ana aku whanaunga ki te ako i te Reo Māori i runga i te ipurangi, i te wā e akona ana ngā teina ki te kura. 

Ko taku uruwehi ki te kōrero ki te tangata ko taku iwi nō tōku tuakiri anake, e whakaaro ana ahau. 

Ki te whakarite, koinei te mea tino tata kua tae mai ahau ki tētahi whakautu. 

Ko tōu tuakiri te wāhi e whakawhiti ake ana i a koe, ā, he wairua whakawhiti i te āhua o ētahi o ēnā e ripo tonu ana. 

He pouri te āhua ki te uru ki tētahi rūma, e whakamā ana i a koe i te kore e tino whai wāhi ki tētahi taha, ko te whakararuraru rānei he taiepa raima, ka āwangawanga ana koe ki te kōwhiri i te wāhi ka noho ai koe. 

Mena ka taea e koe te noho ki runga i taua pakitara raima i wehe i ngā wāhanga e rua o koe anō. 

Kua whakapūmautia te ahurea o taku tangata i te māramatanga ki te āhua o whea i puta ahau, engari i taku pakeketanga, ka mōhio ahau, kāore i te mea ngawari te āhua o taku whakapapa, i whakaū ake a taku whānau. 

E whakararuraru ana i a au ko wai ahau hei tangata, kāore he mea ngā tangata i haere mai i mua i ahau, i te whenua i whānau ahau ki reira, engari, ka mārama ake ahau kua pōhēhē rawa te whakapapa aroha i taku whakapapa. 

I roto i te rapu ki te kimi i ahau ano, i kowhirihia e ahau ngā wāhi hei whakatairanga i ahau, ko wai ahau, me ngā mea ka taea e ahau te tuku ki ētahi atu tangata. 

Kei te whakamā ahau ki te whakaae, engari he raruraru noa iho ngā whakararuraru, kaore he hauora, he ture, he haumaru rānei." 

Ka whakapau kaha te mamae o ēnei katoa ki taku hauora hinengaro, i ngā tau e whai i ahau ka mārama ahau ka whakapaukaha, pērā i te hāina pakaru i ngā tau i muri, kāore e whakatika ngāwari. 

Engari, kei te whakapapa kaha tonu te ahurea o taku tangata ki ētahi mea kāore ahau e mōhio i te whakamārama o tērā. 

Whakaarohia ko te reo o ōu tīpuna e whanoke ana, ētahi tikanga me ngā mahi e he ana, ā, he mea Māori i roto i te manawa kotahi. 

Whakaarohia, kua rereke to whānau, kua tipu te wāhi i whānau ai koe, engari kua whakawetekina ahau. 

I tēnei wā, kei te takaro hopuhopu ahau, ā, kei te ako tonu ahau i ngā mea katoa i ngaro ahau. 

Kei te ako tonu ahau i te āhua kāore e tino whakapā atu ana te āhua o taku tangata, engari, kei te mōhio ahau kāore ehara e ngawari te whakamārama i tāku tuakiritanga. 

E kore au i whiwhi i ngā whakautu katoa, engari karekau e tino tautuhi ana taku tuakiritanga i te tae o taku kiri. 

Kāore tōku tuakiritanga e tautuhia ana i te wāhi i noho ai ahau, i te wāhi i haere ai ahau, rānei kāore i te wāhi e haere atu ai ahau i te wā kei te haere mai. E whai ana ahau ki tētahi whakautu anō - te tipu. Tinana. Hinengaro. Wairua. Kei te tipu tonu tātou 

E mōhio ana ahau ka tino tupu ake ahau i te wā e noho ana ōku waewae ki roto i te oneone o toku kainga, i te wā e hono ana taku ngakau ki te wairua o toku iwi, me taku ako i te wahi i haere mai ai ahau, i ahu mai ai ahau. 

Engari i roto i taku ngākau, ahakoa e whai ana ahau, kei konei ahau e tika ana? Hei whea taku wāhi tika? 

Ko ēnei ngā pātai, kaore pea e taea te whakautu i roto i taku oranga. 

engari, ka whai pea rātou i ahau i taku haerenga whakahua, ki te kimi i taku whakapapa me te tautuhi i taku tuakiritanga. 

Finding my Whakapapa (English version)

I only learned what a pā was back in 2017 during my second year of study in Dunedin. My friend had stared at me with abject horror scrawled across her face. She knew my ancestry, but I don’t think she realised until that point how truly disconnected I was from it.  

It had taken me over a year of friendship to even mention that I was Kāi Tahu, because you never would have guessed it by looking at me or hearing me speak. I was the girl who had grown up in Australia. The girl that had developed a Frankenstein-esque accent of Aussie, Kiwi, and something that almost could have been inhuman. I’m New Zealander at heart though, my passport is black and silver and my birth certificate proudly states that I was born in Christchurch Women’s Hospital. And yet I was scared to tell people my iwi, I still am. But why? 

In all honesty, I don’t know. Not even now, seven years after moving back to my homeland. I can’t pinpoint exactly why but the fear still sits within me. Sometimes it feels like a festering wound and other times it feels like a dull ache, the best times are when I don’t feel it at all but its shadow still lingers. I don’t think it will ever truly go away.  

I considered for a long time that it was simply because of the colour of my skin. Even growing up in Australia, I had not tanned and would continue to be pasty like the parts of me descended from Scotland and England. Though the colour of my skin plays a part in my discomfort, it isn’t the defining factor in my hesitance to define myself as Māori. 

The closest I’ve come to an answer is hard to explain, but I want to try. I started this personal ‘essay’ when I was fifteen and full of teenage angst, sick of hearing kids at school tell me that “kiwis [were] moving to Australia and taking all the jobs”. I was sick of hearing the insults against Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders while my homeland seemed to be embracing their culture with a newfound vigor. And I wasn’t there to experience it.  

Like an outsider looking in, I watched as my family slowly started connecting again. The parts of our whānau that had retained our traditions reconnecting with the parts that didn’t. My cousins started learning Te Reo Māori online while the younger ones were taught in school.  

My fear of telling people my iwi comes from my own identity, I think. At least, that’s the closest I’ve come to an answer. Your identity is the most vulnerable part of you and there’s an unease when part of that feels detached.  

There’s a distinctive discomfort when you enter a room and feel you do not belong to either side, the division like a concrete barrier as you feel forced to pick where you should sit. If only you could choose to sit upon that concrete wall that separated the two parts of your own self.  

My identity was so intensely ingrained in knowing where I came from but as I grew older I learned that my ancestry was not as simple as my parents had made it seem. What defines who I am as a person is not simply the people who came before me or the country I was born in but younger me did not realise that distinction until it was too late. 

In the search for myself, I chose outlets to define myself, who I was, and what I could offer to other people. I’m embarrassed to admit it but those outlets were very rarely healthy, legal, or safe. The toll it all took on my mental health is perhaps my biggest regret as years later I find it is something that may never heal, like broken china it does not mend easily.  

But again, my identity is something strongly rooted in something that I didn’t really understand. Imagine the language of your ancestors being foreign, the customs and practices feeling both wrong and yet so natural in the same breath. Imagine that your family has changed, the place where you were born has evolved, but you were left behind.

Now I’m playing catch up. I’m slowly learning all the things I missed. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that my identity is not something that is easily defined.  

I don’t have all the answers but I do know that my tuakiritanga is not defined by the colour of my skin. It is not defined by where I live or where I have been, nor is it defined by where I will go in the future. Perhaps the closest I have come to an answer is – growth. Physical. Emotional. Spiritual. We are always growing.  

I know that I grow best when my feet are in the soil of my home, when my heart connects with the wairua of my people, and when I learn about where I’ve been and where I’ve come from. But in my heart I still wonder, do I belong? Is this where I should be?  

These are the questions that may never be answered in my lifetime. They may follow me on my journey of discovery. On my journey to finding my whakapapa and defining my tuakiritanga.