Eating Aphrodisiacs With my Hinge Date to See How Horny We Get

Food and sex are bound together by two of our most intimate senses, taste and touch. Good food and good sex are important elements to make a noteworthy day. Although intrinsically linked, they are usually separate events, one before the other. One with hopefully a lot less spitting.  

Sometimes though, they do come together in literal form. Whether it's Katy Perry shooting whipped cream from her boobs, or Timothee Chalamet fingering a peach, food and sex’s relationship is blatant.   

Studies have shown that foods with a lot of zinc, phenylethylamine, and vitamin E (among other compounds) make your papaya wet, and your eggplant stand tall. Even though I believe this to be fact because it contains words I can’t pronounce, I’ve always wondered if these foods would actually make me horny.  

So, I did what any laid back, nonchalant dyke would do, and I messaged the person I went on a Hinge date with last week to see if they wanted to eat oysters, and then really eat oyster. Surprisingly, instead of getting blocked they were sitting at my dining room table just three days later.   

Menu  

Crumbed oysters pan fried and doused in lemon pepper 

Overcooked to perfection as I have a huge fear of food poisoning 

Honey glazed carrots and potatoes  

Caramelised together with a completely mismatched array of sauces and spices  

Greek salad with avocado 

Dark chocolate & red wine  

A stunning pairing of Aotearoa’s finest Cleanskin $8 pinot noir with Old Golds 70% dark cocoa 

To up the ante we sat on my deck overlooking Te Whanganui-a-Tara and smoked whilst discussing our friends’ questionable choices of men. We started with a glass of red. And while the win was cheaply acidic, it was nothing we weren’t used to. 

Before tipsiness ensued, the steamy meal of oysters was plated and ready. After poking and prodding around them a little, I tried to classily feast. The oysters definitely didn’t make me feel anything in the way of aroused. The fishy smell and goopy texture made me wonder how they’ve been labelled as a lustful food in the first place.  

My dear flatmates came outside to ask if the food made us horny yet. I responded, “Yeah, I’m bricked up.”  

However, the freshness of the avocado salad and sweetness of the honey glazed vegetables were much more aligned with the sensual. As wine and conversation flowed, I felt closer and closer to the explicit. Succeeding dinner, we nibbled on the dark chocolate, and the ASMR enhanced the atmosphere.  

Before it was time to make a slow descent downstairs, I conducted a very sexy questionnaire: “Are you horny right now?” They giggled and said, “I think I do feel horny. It's obviously hard to tell because I’m attracted to you. I think you're hot, so I don’t know if it's that or the food. I think red wine is the major one… because duh.” 

After they saved the mood, we trotted down to my bedroom to really put aphrodisiacs to the test. Whilst making out, I noticed my hands and shirt reeked of seafood. I washed my hands about three times after cooking but couldn’t get the pungency out of my skin. My shirt obviously came off, but there was nothing I could do about my skin’s stench. I apologised and went to wash my hands for a fourth time, but truly could not tame the smell. We decided to make an executive decision and take finger food off any future pre-intercourse menus.  

The sex was fucking good. They’re beautiful, and their intelligence is seducing. We poked at tattoos we couldn’t see when clothed and discussed writers like Joan Didion and Otessa Moshfegh. We lay there, a writer and a poet full of supposedly sexy food.  

The moment of truth arrived: Was our arousal inflamed by food?  

My date said they did feel more salacious but chalked it up to something else. “Obviously when someone you've slept with makes you dinner, you’re going to be into it.” My incredible cooking had exhilarated the steaminess of our night. The Bear effect is even more powerful than I thought.  

Personally, I did feel more lewd, goatish, oversexed, and lubricous (Merriam-Webster’s insane synonyms for horny) than I usually would on a flirty dinner. But I think this was due to the suspense the experiment created. The tension of organised sex is nerve wracking yet erotic.  

After this extremely scientific, highly managed, and painstakingly recorded examination, I hypothesise that the sensual relationship between food and sex fuels libido, but aphrodisiacs themselves aren’t strong enough to heighten feelings. If you're looking to increase you or your fuck buddy’s passion, cook them dinner, look at the ocean, and show them a skateboard trick in your boxers. It's always worked for me.