Fantastic Fetishes (and where to find them)
We've all been browsing where we shouldn’t be late at night and come across something that piques our curiosity, right? Maybe you have a three pump look and then close the browser, feeling slightly disgusted with yourself but with no regrets... or so you tell yourself. But what if, and bear with me here, you didn't close that incognito tab? What if instead you joined a social network of 10 million people that caters exclusively to those carnal desires? And what if you decided to go to a bar and meet a group of these people, slightly inebriated and without the friend who said they would accompany you?
What if indeed.
Our parents always told us that it is dangerous to meet up with strangers from the internet in case they are not who they say they are, or they have some unorthodox sexual interests. So, I proceeded to ignore every part of that advice and meet some anonymous strangers in a bar with the express intent of talking to them about their sex lives. This was a weekly thing, with regular people attending, open to anyone who stumbled across it and wanted to come. Of course, I was a little nervous but everyone I met was extremely welcoming. I chose my seat carefully and as soon as I sat down, I was asked, “So what are your fetishes?” I was a little taken aback and mumbled something about something while looking down into my beer. Then the more experienced people started talking and I was no longer nervous.
One person said they were into impact play. When pressed further they said they “liked to leave marks. It's like making art, creating something you know. You have sex and then there is something you’ve made at the end.” Another person said they liked rope play. “I like being tied up more than tying someone, but it's fun to learn the knots and stuff. We do classes sometimes where you can come along and learn how to tie each other up. It's not super sexual, a lot of people like it for the art.” The topic of conversation shifted to an upcoming party that some people were travelling for, and I asked if when you walked in the door there were just people right there having sex with each other? “Just straight up having sex with each other?” came the reply, “Not really, more like engaged in their fetishes, you know?” I did not know.
I may or may not have been a little distracted throughout the night by the company, but I did manage a few more questions before I snuck off, centred mostly around the culture of the community. When asked what one thing was that everyone should know about before getting involved with the community, one person said, “Consent is very important, like without it we couldn't really do this. Everyone is super respectful and those who aren't are known and avoided. People talk, you know.” The most repeated bit of advice I heard was that what I was doing was the perfect way to get into the community. “Come to the vanilla events, like [the] pub, meet people and then go from there.”
Sex and fetishes are topics which are normally kept away from the dinner table, whispered behind closed doors to lovers in the dark. But for a growing subsection of society this taboo no longer exists and, like many things, the internet has allowed them to connect. There are many places where people whose inhibitions are lower gather, but one of the most popular seems to be fetlife.com, which has a small but thriving community in New Zealand. FetLife markets itself as the ‘Social Network for the BDSM, Fetish and Kinky community` and features images, videos, discussions and events related to any fetish that you can imagine. When signing up you are asked for your nickname (be creative!), a gender selector (with 13 options) and a list of sexual roles which will keep you googling for hours. My personal favourites (based on name alone I swear) are Leatherboi, Rigger and Spanko. Sounds like a steampunk boyband. After getting past registration and confirming your email (10minutemail.com) you need to find some people to follow. I personally didn't spend much time on this, it's like starting a new Reddit account, you don't really know what you're looking for until you find it. But find it you surely will. I would recommend looking up groups in your area, browsing the fetishes tab and having a look at people's profiles. Who knows, maybe you’re even a Spanko.
But I'm sure you can figure out how to use a website. What you really want to know is what the people are like, what's the etiquette and what to expect if you muster up the courage to go to an event. I will preface this by saying I personally am a total newbie to this community and everything I say is based on very little experience. People spend decades in the community and others shape their lives around it. I would recommend finding someone who is more experienced and asking them about the culture to learn about it from a different perspective. Which leads nicely into my first observation, everyone is very accepting and friendly. I messaged a number of people with questions about different kinks and aspects of the community and everyone who replied was happy to help and direct me in the right direction. There is very little judgement and a sense of acceptance of who people are and what they like. As a person who I asked at the bar told me, “Of course we don’t kink shame, that wouldn’t make any sense.” This lack of judgement stems from, I believe, a sense of separation from the rest of society. FetLife feels like a hidden world away from the expectations of vanilla society and many members treat it as such. People tend to not use real names (sside from me, due to my drunk state) but post photos containing their naked bodies alongside selfies and updates about their day. At first it feels a little surreal, as does the openness about sexual desires. Now keep in mind that doesn't mean walking up to the first person you see and telling them you want to take them out back and have your way with them; FetLife is not primarily a hook-up site. But it does mean people will post publicly asking for advice about kinks, telling stories of their exploits, and there’s no shame in sitting down next to someone and asking, ‘So what are your kinks?’
The gender ratio. How about that. I know it was on your mind. Now because gender is fluid, I’m going to avoid using the terms male and female, instead opting for masc and femme, which I think is a more effective way of accommodating all sexual orientations without assuming anyone's gender. From what I could tell browsing online and meeting a part of the community, the general feeling seems to be masc people make up the majority of people online, but when it comes to putting their money where their mouth is, both masc and femme people are represented equally. Masc people, much like many sites relating to sex, tend to message people and be ‘pests’ more so than others, which many can find off putting. Most members of the community look down on messages asking to meet up or dick pics when they are unsolicited, so don’t do that. There’s a mix of body types and faces in the fetish community, but be assured it is not just old masc people at all. There are specific groups for young people, old people, any age and any fetish you could imagine, so there will be something or someone who fits your mould.
To be perfectly honest, the fetish lifestyle doesn't seem to be for me. I don't believe there is anything wrong with it at all and appreciate the nook this group has carved out for itself but am wary of making a hobby such a large part of my personality. It seems inevitable that if you fully embrace this lifestyle, it will encroach at least a little on your vanilla life, and sex is fun but like, I don't need to think about it all the time. That being said, I encourage you to explore your kinky side. Go meet some strangers. Go get tied up. Get a little bit wild. They used to say the world is your oyster, and if that's true then the internet is the knife you use to get to the juicy inside.