Editorial: There are better names for Massey University
In one of our features this week, we tackle the big subject of Massey’s name. To be clear, William Massey, our university namesake, was a racist. The question is: should we change the name? Here at Massive, we think yes, but at the very least, a discussion is needed. In order to help the Uni out a bit, we’ve come up with a list of possible names that we’d love to nab the top dog spot. Don’t say we never helped anyone! In no particular order, enjoy our finalists.
Horse Girl College: Let’s face it: Massey is a breeding ground for horse girls. We’re surrounded by them! This is their safe space, and let’s do what we can to uplift them in this cold, harsh world that’s designed to bring them down.
Horn Me Gently, Ram: Our mascot is a ram, need I say any more? This title pays homage to our sheepish roots, whilst adding a sultry little twist. Sex sells, baby.
Auckland University’s Rejects: Simple. Elegant. To the point.
Gumboots & Gear: Ah, the two pillars of our institution. Country and city life, as it were. Our history and our future. Combined, as one.
The Wiggles: We have four different campuses. There are four different wiggles. Follow my logic? Flawless. (Distance kids are the Purple Wiggle. I don’t know how to explain this. I just know it.)
Jan Thomas University: She’s our Vice-Chancellor, she plays beer pong and swears in interviews. So why not? Jan is a GC and deserves some love.
Finger Lickin’ Good: Whilst this name may already be copyrighted, I’m sure Massey has enough money to compete with the global culinary superpower (considering how much they’re charging for a weekly Zoom lecture, they better have). We have a goddamn chicken wing statue, for fucks sake. Let’s put some respect on it.
The Stream Site is Down Again: I love this name. It saves time and money from the University having to inform us, yet again, that the Stream site is down. Comms team, you can thank us later.
Dumplings: I just really like dumplings, okay? So yummy. Plus, the name is cute. If I had a cat, this is what I would name a cat.
The University: Kind of meta. Reminds me of “The Bar” in Gone Girl. Plus, it would save money if we just chop all our signs in half. Yes, this will do nicely.
Te Kunenga ki Pūrehuroa: The Māori name gifted to the University in 1997, ‘ki Pūrehuroa’ references the endless line of stars in the Milky Way, whilst ‘Te Kunenga’ references the notion of inception. Despite the alluring charm of “Dumplings”, this one is the clear winner. We love this name, and quite frankly, we’d love to see this become the official name of our little university.
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Caroline