Editorial: Fergus the Ram is a Sex-God

Did you know Massey has a mascot? Yeah, that’s right. A whole-ass mascot. Meet Fergus the Ram. Powerful, muscular with piercing blood-red eyes, Fergus has awakened a world of sexual lust for me. For so long, I’ve been alone. Until now. That shaggy little bastard has walked right into my life and stolen my heart (and underwear). 

Firstly, let’s talk about the obvious: those horns. My God! I know they say size isn’t everything, but Fergus has a sizable pair of weighty ears on him. Enough to feverously plow through my field. And you know what they say about horns; they’re pretty fucking horny. 

As a ram, Fergus is also obviously an Aries. Aries are passionate, motivated leaders. Perfect for a mascot, or a boyfriend. I need someone to get me out of bed in the morning, to carpe diem. I like to imagine he’d be into tandem bicycling and homemade croissants. He’d be the perfect beer pong partner and enjoy gossiping about the latest season of Love Island with me (it’s a bit shit, let’s be honest). 

Also, the name! Fergus! Can’t you just imagine moaning it in bed? 

Every year, Fergus leads the procession of new graduates in Palmerston North. So hot. Imagine pointing him out to other students, smugly saying “Oh, you see the leader of the procession? Yeah, I’m dating him.” Everyone wants him, but he picked me. Yeah, the alpha sheep. The hot one, with the horns. 

As for other university mascots, they’re either buried in record archives, or are just objectively lame. A kiwi for the University of Auckland? What a snooze fest. Lincoln University ALSO has a ram mascot, but it lacks the raw sexual energy of Fergus. It’s just too cuddly and soft. The kind of hook up to say “sorry” when they cum inside you. Also, it’s called Rambo, which is just a frankly ridiculous name for a ram. Like calling your son William Williamson. Shocking, really. Fergus the Ram is much more personality driven, less ram-orientated. 

In all honesty, it’s a crime that almost no one knows Fergus exists. He’s been hidden away from the limelight for so long, and it’s time for a ram-renaissance. A ramaissance. He’s your mascot, Massey students, and you should honour this hot, young piece of ass. Bow down before him (he likes you on your knees, trust me). 

X

Caroline